*slurps from a spoon*
Yep this hot tub is ready.
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My mother’s birthday is on Monday.
I bought, among other things, a tin of her favourite shortbread cookies.
They were very good.
I should get some for her as well.
No toddler in the world would ever pass a field sobriety test
Worst part about going to work this morning was the look on my dog’s face that said “sucks for you, I’m going back to sleep”.
getting into an accident in GTA and making my character get out of the car to exchange insurance information with the other driver
This dressing room attendant would be a lot more helpful if she offered to bring me a drink, instead of a different size.
Meth is short for Elizameth.
My daughter said she got caught zoning out when her friends asked her a question so to look engaged she just made up an answer and I’m so proud she’s the Dad of her 6th grade crew.
*me at Target*
“Hey baby, you want some of this?”
*offering to share my chocolate Twizzlers*
Her: *calls security*
~Flirting is so hard
My bra is off, my pajamas are on, my hair is up. I’m not sure if I’m going to bed, or to Walmart.
cop: PUT YOUR HANDS UP
me: *puts hands up and my shirt rises exposing my entire stomach*
cop: SIR PUT YOUR HANDS BACK DOWN
If you think Jason Momoa has dad bod, please give me your dad’s phone number.
[addressing everyone at my pet possum’s funeral] you guys aren’t gonna believe this
My wife and I are in a fight so I just looked her right in the eyes and folded a towel in fourths.
People who say gays are destroying the fabric of society have obviously never seen what a gay man can do with fabric.
Me: Why is there a rolling chair in the kitchen?
Husband: Well, I know you injured your leg.
Me: And?
Husband: And I thought it would be easier for you to cook dinner.
ME: u know what they say, drink with one eye open
WIFE: they don’t say that, you’re drunk
ME: *closes other eye* it is very dark in here
I was the president of the fencing club in high school. We only met once, and then the cops found all the stolen property.
My trainer says not to drink beer bc it makes you fat.
So tonight I’ve had a six pack of red wine.
Sorry, I don’t think I can hang out this weekend, my 4-year-old is still telling a joke
I just realized that I forgot to scan the 2 packs of sparkling water at target on Sunday. Apparently this is how my life of crime begins.
“Where is your god now?” I like to shout at children with paper cuts.
My dog always pees against trees when we walk through the neighborhood
I do it one time and now I need bail
Went to the dentist today. My teeth are fine. I just wanted to hear some of my songs.
[shopping for make-up]
“Excuse me, what will make my eyes pop?”
“I know exactly what you need.”
[boots you into the vacuum of deep space]
My tiny pocket in my jeans is actually to put my annual salary
Breaking news:
I’m starting to think that guy in 5th grade isn’t going to ask me to couple skate
Egregious Outerwear Lies
Trench coat: would get RUINED in a trench
Pea coat: not made of peas
Leather bomber: zero incendiaries
Swing coat: doesn’t dance at all
Parka: can’t even drive
Find someone who shares your values & dreams- but likes a different kind of dipping sauce for chicken strips so you don’t have to share that
obviously, you’d be a fool not to get two