If you love someone let them go.. If they come back just be yourself they will be gone again in 2 days😬😂
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I’m trying to use this rotisserie to bbq an owl but he won’t stop looking at me.
*jesus turns water to wine*
me: you can’t just insert goods into an economy you’ll cause deflation
Jesus: my child-
me: NO! it’s bullshit!
If I was a sniper, I’d probably spend most of my time looking for cats and making them chase my rifle laser pointer from 2 miles away.
My insurance guys slogan is I’m Zach and I’ve got your back… good thing his name wasn’t Rick
What if ISIS started claiming responsibility for nice things like when my mom says, “who emptied the dishwasher?!”
Friend: How’s the wine?
Me: It’s exCHARDONNARY—
Friend: *taking my glass away* No.
It’s important to remember where you parked the get away vehicle.
I just really think bacon should be called “fry”con
My boss: did…you make this powerpoint on company time
My kid: “I want the new iPad like my friends, everyone has them”
Me: “And I want to vacation in Hawaii..disappointing day all around huh?”
Give a man a fish, and you feed him for a day. Feed a man to the fishes, and you’ll never have to share your food again.
if you watch the titanic backwards hundreds of disgusting sea zombies come together as a community and rebuild an old ship
OMG YOU SHOULD DO A CARTWHEEL RIGHT NOW
– alcohol
My Phone autocorrected “wish you were here” to “wish you were beer” and I sent it anyways
We’re intellectual opposites.
You’re intellectual and I’m opposite.
My body says you’re tired go to sleep, my mind says have you ever thought about why only elephants have knees like ours.
Teacher: define “impossible”
Me: no can do
Teacher: correct. and can you explain what “skepticism” is?
Me: doubt it
Teacher: excellent! and “agnosticism”?
Me: I have no idea
Teacher: amazing
Husband: Come on baby, do that thing that I love.
Me: *stuffs an entire jelly doughnut into my mouth*
I stopped experimenting in bed after the great honey disaster of 2015.
My family is getting a crash course in watching me perform musicals all day, which is not something they knew I did, and my 10 year old feels vindicated because she always SENSED that I was deeply embarrassing, but didn’t know why until now.
*Hears loud noise*
Me: What are y’all doing?
5yo: Nothing. We’re not messing with bowling balls!
So my hinge date last night accidentally texted me this
Everybody’s getting Oreos with their Christmas cards this year.
Related: Don’t eat cookies while you’re licking envelopes.
oh you love me? name every curb i’ve ever hit while driving
“I’M COLD!” yells the teen who is wearing shorts & a tshirt in 40 degree weather & ignored his mother when she said to dress warmer.
5: why don’t we have an elf-on-the-shelf?
me: oh honey, it’s not that we don’t love you, it’s just that we don’t hate ourselves
Uhh, hells yeah Id like to participate in your brief survey.
If you’re getting serious about someone, check what number their toaster is set on, because that’s what you’re going to be living with.
Does racism still exist? Let’s go to this panel of white people to find out.