Tech Twitter in a nutshell 😂😂😂
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I’m buying more booze than ever these days. Wonder if I need an intervention. I’d hate to become a shopaholic.
Husband: How’s your diet going?
Me: *scraping cheese off his burger wrapper with my teeth* Fine.
*first day in prison
*walks up to biggest guy
*asks for WiFi password
8yo: daddy what’s your best talent?
me: hmm I don’t know, maybe being a dad?
8yo: no that’s not it
What I try to explain you, is that I do know you have very good big cups in this nice coffee shop, but I’m emotionally attached to this bucket, could you fill it up with your excellent coffee, please
The coins in my cup holder have bonded together and will be the problem of whomever owns my vehicle next.
wish I never spent that $20 my grandma gave me when I was 12, I could really use it right now
Friend: *texting* How are you holding up? Staying busy?
Me: Yeah actually I’ve gotten really into philosophy
[Earlier that day]
Me: Alexa if you shave all your hair off do you use face wash or body soap on the top of your head
apparently “spite” is not the appropriate answer to “What motivates you?”
Imagine if there were no cops and you had 8 hands for slapping
Got out of jury duty yesterday by confessing to the crime
Fact: you spend an average of 3.7 hrs of your life in the pantry looking for the ‘damn’ paprika
My wife said “You only love me because my father left me a million pounds.”
“That’s not true, I’d still love you whoever left it to you”
Tried going out through the back of my wardrobe today but even Narnia’s closed.
5 grabbed the rest of my sandwich and said, “Don’t mind if I do!” and walked away.
I’d be mad if I wasn’t so impressed with his confidence.
“Judy, if I don’t survive this vicious goose attack, always know that I loved you”
“my name is Denise”
what if our teeth screamed obscenities at us every time we brushed them?
Headline: Oscars stars hit the red carpet
Red carpet: I’m so bruised.
(standing in lava taking 20 damage a second) augh eurgh ugh augh augh ugh eurgh ohhg
I’m slytherin because everyone knows women like a bad boy
I’m kidding, I’ve never even read lord of the rings
Your neighbor is a sleeper agent, but not from one of the serious countries.
I can’t run from my demons. The law clearly states I have to keep them until they’re 18.
The lady behind me in line was in a hurry to get out of the grocery store so I decided to write a check to pay for my stuff.
No matter how stupid you feel, remember, Little Red Riding Hood couldn’t figure out a talking wolf in drag wasn’t her grandmother
she loves me [takes bite of hotdog]
she loves me not [takes another bite of hotdog]
Wife: Go out for breakfast?
Me: Sure!
Wife: Ok, let me shower first.
*showers, dresses & puts on makeup*
Me: Where should we have lunch?
forgot to decorate for halloween so just gave my 7yo a pomegranate to eat and voilà! murder scene
9: Can I sleep with you?
Me: Why?
9: Had a dream about the Lullaby Lady.
M: Who?
9: An old woman with no skin on her hands.
M: Why do you call her that?
9: Because she stands next to your bed and hums while you sleep.
M: Sure, just let Daddy put the house up for sale real quick.
I had my demons exercised and they became quite large and intimidating demons, so I guess spelling is nine tenths of the law of possession.
I’m not sure about accusing someone of wanting to get into my pants. I’d like to see him try. I can hardly get into them myself..