Do I have any plans? What do I look like, a goddamn architect?
You Might Also Like
New video game idea: Toddler simulator. Like the sims but toddlers only. Your job is to annoy the hell out of your parents. Touching stuff your not supposed to. Climbing on furniture. Throwing tantrums at random times.
{confused hamster}
*looks around cage*
“Ummmm where’d my wheel go??”[Jesus’ voice booms from the heavens]
I WAS TOLD TO TAKE IT
Me: Guh! Say it. Don’t spray it
Firefighter: That’s not… that’s not how using a fire hose to save your burning home is supposed to work…
i will avenge u mr van gogh
I’m not much on seizing the day, I just kinda poke it with a stick.
Seriously, soup?
If I wanted to drink my lunch I would go to a bar.
[Travels back in time]
Me: Abe, what do you think America looks like in the future?
Lincoln: United as one nation…
Me: Wrong! FATTER.
What’s that little “-” in front of the temperature mean?
ME: Avenge my death
CO-WORKER: That’s just a paper cut
ME: [coughs, grabs his collar] DON’T YOU NORMALIZE THIS
it’s always a fun time when a wrong number texts you
Very good! 👍😂
My first and biggest lesson in framing was when I saw my uncle asking 3 children who wanted to take a bath and they all squirmed and loudly yelled NOOOO and then he asked “Who wants to be the FIRST! to take a bath?” and they literally started fighting to be the first
I like long walks along the beach until the drugs wear off & I realize I’m actually crawling through the sand at the local construction site
I hate it when I’m trying to discreetly pick a wedgie in public and inadvertently end up doing every dance routine from Spice World.
Airport moving sidewalks are great for when you only want to feel like George Jetson for 10 seconds before you’re back to Fred Flintstone.
me to wife: the mailman refuses to deliver mail here anymore
me three days ago: I should build replicas of all the traps in home alone
Do people with insomnia know about Coldplay?
I forgot my earphones this morning and for a moment I thought wouldn’t it be great if my audio book had subtitles
if Barbie’s elbows or knees bend when she puts on clothes i’m out
Me, on phone: I’m too scared of sharks to go to the beach
Friend: But sharks kill less people per year than- *thud*
Me: … Than what?
Friend:
Me: Hello?
Voice on other end: Moo.
After sex, I take the condom off and make a balloon animal for the lady.
[you get brutally murdered and the killer is never found]
somebody 30 years later watching a documentary about it: this show is awesome lol
Witness protection program or abducted by aliens? I wanna get this breakup text just right
Marked down Easter Reese’s Peanut butter cups got me forgetting I’m supposed to be intermittent fasting.
shoutout to Disney for giving me unrealistic expectations about love, talking animals and my singing voice
Drop it! Please, just DROP IT.
– My dog, whenever I’m eating.
ufo crew: why are we hovering?
ufo captain: i wanna pet those dogs
ufo crew: why not land?
ufo cap: those talking monkeys are annoying af
I swear I am going to sit in the parking lot and slam a bag of beef jerky before my dental hygienist appointment.
Make her earn every dollar of that teeth cleaning.
After 12 years of marriage we no longer spoon. We chopstick.
Handmaid’s TALE not Handmaid’s Handbook