Describe yourself in four bold words and two exclamation points
Me:
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Me: I’ll cook
Fire department arriving 7mins later: Jesus Christ, again?
“Why don’t you have kids yet?” is a great question, ma’am, but I’m saving that conversation for the right total stranger at this gym.
WIFE: don’t be weird at the party tonight
ME: am i ever weird?
[dinner party]
CHERYL: how’s the soup taste?
ME: like the blood of my enemies
There’s a fine line between myth and reality and booze blurs it nicely.
Him: What dat mouth do?
Me: Cookie Monsters a box of mini corn dogs.
[tasting wine]
ah yes, good nose, medium bodied & saucy, racy acidity, robust tannins, hint of dark currant, but vodka still exists so literally none of this matters
Instead of saying, “Someone’s in here” when a person tries to open your bathroom stall door, try one of these fun alternatives:
1. “Leave the package at the door.”
2. “I TOLD YOU IT’S OVER!”
3. “Larry?”
Dear whatever doesn’t kill me. I’m strong enough now. Thanks.
Reasons to keep spiders around
1. Eat flying insects
2. Occasional source of protein during sleep
3. We make rad webs
4. They do i mean they
People are shitting on gorilla kid’s mom for not watching. My mom had three kids under 5. I could’ve run a terrorist cell outta my treehouse
Gingerbread man: i’m just not cut out for this
Therapist: actually you absolutely are
Me: Are you done cleaning?
7-year-old: No.
Me: So what should you be doing?
7: Hiding.
She cleans like me.
I can’t believe this Avengers movie will be the last one before the next one comes out.
The year is 3250 and scientists were able to extract the data from an old cell phone, dated around 2022, that they found in an archeological dig. They came to the conclusion that humans didn’t used to own clothes judging by all the naked pictures found in this phone.
At the state fair I realized none of my troubles matter when you dip them in batter
I’m so sick and tired of my friends who can’t handle their alcohol. The other night they dropped me three time while carrying me to the car.
Pretty convinced that my left eyebrow and my right eyebrow belong to two different people with very different lifestyles
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Know Your Time-Related Abbreviations
B.C. – before christ
A.D. – after dhristA.M. – after midnight
P.M. – pefore midnight
the circle does fit the square if it’s a pizza.
I don’t like being asked “are you at home?” Please expand further so I can know whether I’m at home or not.
As a child, my family’s menu consisted of two choices – take it or leave it.
Told my kid I was going to check her room because she told me she cleaned it, and she negotiated a five minute head start in case she “missed something.”
instead of texting “on my way” im a just send this
My daughter says she saw a demon in her room. I’m tweeting this from the safety of my office wishing her a lot of luck.
All pigeons are stool pigeons if you stand under them long enough.
All I’m saying is once your kid passes first grade you can stop spending $$$ on school pictures. Second grade and up always gets their pictures taken after recess.
I can’t wait to get married and not invite ppl who thought they were coming
imagine being commissioner Gordon starting out your career with hope then one day there are mutant shark villains and shit spawning every 5 minutes, people are falling in vats of chemicals, you go to a grown man in a bat costume for advice and you’re like why is this my life now.
her: i hate when people overanalyze everything in movies
me: [slowly concealing my notebook filled with inconsistencies and plot holes in the toy story saga] lol yeah me too