My ex is such a loser that if there was a competition for the world’s biggest loser, he’d still only win 2nd place.
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Fitness instructors who resist the temptation to yell out YOUR OTHER LEFT are alright.
[God creating cheesecake]
GOD: [stuffing his face] oh man this is so good
ANGEL: shouldn’t u share it?
GOD: [creates lactose intolerance]
Research shows vacuum cleaners can cause hearing loss.
“You should absolutely get rid of that monster,” said one furry, panting scientist.
Me on my way to find a boyfriend before Valentine’s Day…
I love how all the movies about teenagers have to be set in the 90s or earlier otherwise we’d just be watching kids on their phones for two hours
So, my wife did NOT appreciate her Yelp review…
[preparing for a date]
me: what if she kisses me
roommate: you kiss her back, bro
me: ok
me: *thinking* but why her back though
How long can COVID live on breakdancing cardboard?
And can it be killed by sick moves?
Typing
your tweets
like this doesn’t
make them
poems.
He’s dead
Pro tip: never take a laxative and a sleeping pill at the same time.
I just saw this in a group on Facebook, so I have no idea where it’s from, but my god, does this infuriate me. You can’t use the same symbol for two different letters!!!!
And bowling should be called pinball
5yo and her friend just ended an argument by deciding they would “have a piece of cheese and calm down”
So, yeah, she’s mine.
I’m not one to give parenting advice, but kids are a lot less likely to fight you on eating dinner if you don’t give them lunch or breakfast
Wife: Can we eat outside?
Me: *supportive* Of course babe. I love wasps.
If I could have dinner with anyone alive or dead I would pick alive almost every time that way they can split the check
next time you are washing your hands next to somebody…
cup your hands together until the water overflows.
then look at them and say:
This water is getting out of hand
When people ask What Would Jesus Do, I remember how he hid in that cave for 3 days after people were so mean to him.
That’s more my speed.
Is the female equivalent of a douchebag a douchebaguette?
sorry, eggs benedict are way too fancy for me. bring me some eggs steve
[wakes up to crying in the night]
Wife: can you go check the baby
Me, climbing back into bed 2 mins later: yeah that was the baby
If you walk around in knight’s armor long enough, people will just get used to it.
Spend $200 on cat toys
Cats: OMFG A Q-TIP
2 kids walk into a forest and try to eat an old woman’s home and she’s the villain? I’m not buying it Brothers Grimm.
No I don’t want to watch the video on your phone. My phone doesn’t like me looking at other phones.
I’ve started putting my wife’s chocolate bars in the wrong wrappers.
It really gets her snickers in a twix.
If I die, someone please tell my husband that my shoes are worth six times as much as I said I paid for them.
FRIEND: it’s a strange time to be alive
ME: *looks at watch*
ah yes, 6:30
How did the small bear lookalike creature got home when it’s scooter broke down?
Ewok’d the rest of the way.
#BearDay #RubbishJokes