*walking into our new house*
ME: Whaddya say we christen our new home?
HER: *giggling* OK*later, flinging holy water*
ME: GET OUT GHOSTS
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When your lying in bed and you sneeze upwards towards a moving ceiling fan there’s really no need to take a shower for the rest of the day.
Trust me on this.
Almonds are good for when I want to have a healthy snack and want to stop having twelve dollars.
Last night my dog got busted taking a cat poo out of the litter tray and relocating it to the living room carpet and let me just say a LOT of things are now making sense. Got to commend the lad on his long game here.
I said something about the 1918 influenza and my friend’s like “that’s how Edward Cullen died”
[inventing that little handle inside the car]
engineer: what if there was a way for the driver’s mother to wordlessly express her mortal terror?
Doctor: “Just lie back and relax, I’ll start the lasik eye procedure in a moment.”
*Turns on laser*
*Patient’s face is attacked by cats*
Why does everyone keep telling me to ‘grow a pear’? I don’t even like pears.
Sunday Family Dinner:
Mother In Law: Isn’t that your third glass of wine?
Me: Isn’t that your third husband?
MIL:
M:
MIL:
M: Gravy?
Let’s just say she wasn’t impressed when I picked her up in my go-kart.
guy: my dog just died
girl who studied abroad: wow that reminds of this one time in Europe i saw a dog
I only look at Wordle for the articles
I enjoy quaint, old-fashioned customs like being nice to people.
I freak out when i don’t see the L and R marks on headphones. There’s no way I’m taking that risk.
Shout out to the people who deleted their twitter accounts on New Years, see you in a few days
ME: *moistens lips with tongue*
DENTIST: don’t ever do that to me again
Meteorologists are always good looking because we won’t stand for being lied to by ugly people
I’m old enough to remember when Oreos came in one flavor: “Oreo.”
I remember when “Something’s eating up data.” meant that guy from Star Trek was deeply troubled.
I was never a big believer in destiny until the only parking available at my gym was in the adjacent Burger King.
“I love Worcestershire sauce.”
“What’s so special about it?”
“It’s hard to say.”
If you can’t get your baby to stop crying, try vacuuming. Then you can’t hear your baby crying and your floors will be clean.
My mom (seriously) asked if my friend’s brother “still had down syndrome.” No mother, he walked it off.
Them: I’ll see you in court!
Me: Never![in court]
Me: (enters in head-to-toe camouflage]
Everyone is worried that technology will corrupt our youth, but I had unrestricted access to the internet and cable tv as a kid and I turned out absolutely awful.
*asks family what they want from the grocery, no one says a word*
{in checkout lane}
*receives 4 separate food request texts from family*
Journalists stuck in 1970’s Belfast absolutely hating it
My gynecologist follows me on Instagram, I really do not know what else he wants to see.
I just caught myself saying “oh this is a nice spatula” while shopping at Target & now I want to hit myself in the face with it.
Guy asked if I put him in the friend zone. I was like, whoa slow down there. I’ll have sex with you, but friendship is a serious commitment.
Pollen is what happens when flowers can’t keep it in their plants.