my dad once complained about “coming home from a long day at work and having to eat on a paper plate” so my mom served him dinner in a solo cup the next day and we all ate like we didn’t notice
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Guys invented poker as an excuse to stare into each other’s eyes.
I turned out ok for someone essentially raised by Bugs Bunny.
Gizmodo Article: A Caterpillar With Vomit-Inducing Poison Fur Is Taking Over Virginia.
2020: All right, all right. Forgive me for trying to be creative.
I love all my family members and wouldn’t sell them at any price.
But just for the sake of conversation, give me a ballpark figure.
It’s kind of comforting to know that no matter what you might be going through in life, that glitter you barely touched 12 years ago will always be there, on your face, making you look like an idiot.
Dating Tip:
Surprise the woman you are courting with a bouquet of cats
*brings a knife to a knife fight, because I read the instructions*
I’d take the high road if it weren’t for the debilitating vertigo.
[cannibal restaurant]
server: hi, who’ll you have?
cannibal: just bring me the Bill
carolers: *knock on door*
(Simon Cowell answers the door)
carolers: *gulp*
Dear rock bands,
If I am at your show, assume I am both ready and willing to rock. No need to ask.
Anyone who has got experience dealing with a friend or loved one who was an addict? Do you have any resources that you found useful? Can you please share? I love you all. Stay safe out there.
[job interview]
“So what are your goals for working here?”
To be home by 5
Crickets are really loud for something that gets eaten by everything
my dad when a sex scene comes on
*DJ drops the beet*
ERRYBODY IN THE CLUB begins wondering why the DJ would bring a root vegetable to work with him.
When my date called himself the boogie man I was afraid we’d spent hours in a noisy club. Imagine my relief when we spent hours just randomly grabbing uncovered ankles from underneath beds.
The United States is going to start minting pennies next year that will have a joke on the front with the answer on back.
They will be referred to as “cents of humor.”
Boss: Where’d you go??
Me: I got all the way up front and realized I forgot my pen.
Boss: Okay?
Me: So I went to lunch.
Don’t think I won’t spin around and French kiss you if you’re standing too close to me in line at the liquor store.
What’s brown, hairy and wears sunglasses?
A coconut on holiday!
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#SaturdayVibes #SaturdayThoughts #Holiday
BABY COW: [points at human] What’s that?
OLDER COW: That is a milk dracula
nothing will ever burn me quite as bad as when my sister told me i reminded her of those aliens who smoke cigarettes and drink coffee in men in black
What I say and what I mean are three different things.
*brings a full menstrual cup to a bank robbery
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and a dog that does karate
The baby daddies on 16 & Pregnant/Teen Mom should be used to test air bags.
“That was supposed to be a compliment.”
-Men
The year is 2316. Humans have 12ft long arms from centuries of taking selfies.
cant be in the office one more moment, I have a moral, legal and biological obligation to be in front of a roaring fire going honk-shooo honk-shoo mimimimi