McDonald’s burgers always look so great in their commercials but when you actually order one it always looks like its been sat on.
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Having a toddler has trained me well for pumpkin season. I’m ready to carry up to 25 pounds of something for long distances because it is utterly incapable of walking.
Me: Nice biker jacket. You ride?
Him: No
Me: So you’re a liar?
Him:
Me:
Him: Nice yoga pants
Me: That jacket looks so awesome on you!
sometimes if i’m having trouble falling asleep i just pretend i’m watching lord of the rings
The dress code for my wedding should have been red flags.
Cashier: Smile!
Me: Worry about your own face.
I hate it when they leave before I can make it awkward.
BFF: do you ever have those weeks where you don’t want to work out, eat what you want and be lazy?
Me: *eating cheesecake with my hands while laying on a lounge chair* nope.
You know, sometimes bad things happen to exactly the right people.
Stop staring at my chest! Geez dude, it’s like you’ve never seen toilet paper before!
Appetizer is the Latin word meaning I’m hungry now and don’t wanna wait for big food
Coffee so hot I give it my real phone number.
I need a few hundred steps to meet my daily goal. I only hope my wine doesn’t spill.
My wife gets upset because I like to talk during sex. Last night she hung up the phone on me.
Bought a bag of frozen chopped onions because I want to start crying slowly today
[trying to impress fiancée’s entire family]
Waiter: Your bill for-
Oh I got it! [looks at bill & spits wine] WHO ORDERED THE “SUBTOTAL”?!?
I feel like if one pizza roll bursts then they all join in for solidarity
Prank Idea For The Ladies:
Swallow a plastic dinosaur, then make an appointment to get an ultrasound.
what my roast potatoes see when they’re in the oven
It was difficult as a kid raising two parents on my own.
I’ve been buying men’s hoodies for years for myself. It’s all about skipping the middle man.
Me: what’s in these shots
Doctor: buddy I just work here
Turtle 911: Whats ur emergency?
Turtle: MY GIRLFRIEND JUST DISAPPEARED!
911: Have u tried looking in her house?
Turtle: oops never mind.
[giving best man speech] can I say something without everybody getting mad
My cat and I are both on diets, it’s hilarious. Just sitting across from each other, angrily eating our horrible breakfasts.
All the king’s horses and men stand over Humpty. Puzzled, they go back to reading the IKEA instructions.
Note to self:
1) Your memory sucks.
2) Write note to self.
What do hostages eat? #ThingsYouDontAskAlexa
My roommate thinks our house is haunted but in the 182 years I’ve lived here I’ve not encountered any problems 🤷🏻♀️
The speed walking event just looks like a group of people hurrying to get somewhere to take a shit.
[if I was in horror movies, a thread]
jock: let’s split up
me: no