gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
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Sure, you can clean your house while the kids are home. You could also shovel your driveway with a spoon during a blizzard. When it comes to wasting time, the possibilities are endless.
HER: can I take a quick peek at your privates?
SERGEANT: *looks into barracks* ok but most of them are asleep
Welcome to middle age. No one tells you that rigor mortis starts while you’re still alive.
My teen yelled at me for not waking her up for school. She’s in the shower & I’m wondering when she realizes it’s Sunday. This is beautiful.
[Hunting Robots]
Me: You a robot?
Robot: Would a robot read this?
*shows me copy of Totally Not A Robot magazine*M: Hm. That checks out.
wife: What would you do if 9 told you he was gay?
me [looking for the remote] Ask him if he’s seen the remote
Love is taking a picture of your husband holding up a fish at the fish market
– my wife: I’m not doing that
Cat: Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk… [ *Coughs up hairball* ]
Dog: You gonna eat that?
Court her the old fashioned way by doing late night burnouts in front of her house
“you changed, bro” yeah no shit i’m a cockroach. please help me out of bed
I’ve never been donkey-kicked in the face before, but I have walked past my teenage son who just applied “one spray” of cologne, so same.
2.5 hours into self quarantine: *gains 10 lbs
Mechanic: Your car needs new brakes to pass inspection.
Me: Are you sure about that? *slides him a half used $10 Starbucks gift card*
I would never cheat in a relationship
because that would require two people finding me attractive.
[shark therapy]
“My girl dumped me & I haven’t eaten in days”There’s lots of fish in the sea
“Yeah but…actually that covers everything”
[sees kid crying]
Kid: Im lost
Me: that’s ok. We’re all lost. Happiness is an illusion. Life is meaningless. Death is around the corner. Bye
Me: “I’m having a great hair day.”
Wind: “No you’re not.”
I’m convinced that my washing machine is a portal to a world where one-legged men hop around in my socks.
you miss 100% of the gossip from the phone calls you don’t answer
The actors are getting so old in the Fast and Furious franchise, the next movie will be them stuck in a grocery store parking lot
Getting a neck tattoo is probably the coolest way to show your love for manual labour.
First day as a dad
When I change its diaper is that when I oil the baby? Also where is the filter and how many quarts does it take?
“Welcome to the library, can I help you”
“Yeah I need you to make copies and and find the forms I need from this website and print them and also could I get a pen and an envelope”
“Shall I pick up your dry cleaning too?”
“Oh my gosh do you guys do that, that would be amazing”
Surprise your boyfriend with new boyfriend this valentine
You think you’ve got problems? This is what I’m having for dinner
*wakes up due to construction noise*
*tosses and turns all pissed off*
*finally decides to get up*
*construction noise stops*
Me: Dont you hate it when you enter a room and then forget what you came in for? Haha.
Patient on the operating table: Can I have some other surgeon please?
I just danced in front of my cat and he yawned.
True story.
Friend: Can I borrow a hair band?
Me: *retrieving Bon Jovi from the basement* Please have them home by 9.
As a mom of 18 & 20 year olds: save while your kids are young, then at graduation, buy yourself a new car & send them to community college.