imagine if bumblebees made full-volume harley davidson noises. this is the only thing that could possibly improve them
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Foreigner: I want to know what love is.
Me: And I want to know why people do weird things like put butter on banana bread.
*rip*
stupid
*rip*
automatic
*rip*
STOP
*rip*
GIVING
*rip*
ME
*rip*
PAPER
*rip*
TOWELS
*rip*
When I worked at a bookstore, I learned that when an author like Dean Koontz signs his books, their resale value goes up.
I also learned that when an author like Stephen King signs Dean Koontz’s books, the price goes even higher and that Dean Koontz is not amused by this.
Diet diary, day 3
I am so proud of myself, I refused to eat the birthday cake.
But the cup cakes were amazing.
[Headless Horseman birthday party]
HEADLESS HORSEMAN: [opens present] Another hat? Haha guys okay I get it you can cut it out now.
My 4yo held up her toy phone and announced she had “an important call to make.”
So I made sure to stay really quiet for a min because, respect.
Then I blasted the TV, begged for snacks, slammed doors & screamed “NOOOO” because, retribution.
Accidentally bring the wrong kid home on Halloween once and now I have to listen to the same stupid story EVERY year.
1000s flocked to NJ to see the Virgin Mary in a tree trunk. But, don’t judge them, friends. When was the last time you saw a virgin in NJ?
I made you something special for Mother’s Day, my kid threatened.
Kids these days think Christmas is all about getting presents instead of celebrating the birth of Santa Claus.
Being a parent means when you actually manage to find a pair of scissors they’re mysteriously sticky
Bored, go into a fitting room wait a couple minutes then yell, “where’s the toilet paper”
[going down a slide at 4]: yayyyyyyyyyyy
[going down a slide at 40]: tell my storyyyyyyyy
A few hardest things to say:
“I Was Wrong” “I Need Help”
“Worcestershire Sauce”
Most of my job is making things idiot proof, but they keep making better idiots.
Looking at pictures of myself as a kid taken just after my mother cut my bangs makes me wonder what she used to mix in her Tang.
Daughter: Here you go!
Me: You’re my favorite.
Son: Yesterday, you said I was your favorite!
Me: Yesterday, you were closest to the remote.
Nothing sets a bad precedence like your boss catching you actually working.
MAN: [having heart attack] HELP…CAN’T…MOVE
ME: Dude, are you ok?!
MAN: [faintly] CALL…ME…A…DOCTOR
ME: Oh sorry! Doctor, are you ok?!
Just received an email saying: “Want to see Celine Dion live?”
My first thought was that it was a ransom demand.
13-year-old: Do you know where the cord is to the electric keyboard?
Me, knows exactly where it is: No.
“How do you talk to an angel”
Me: I don’t know, Skype I guess?
“How do you hold her close to where you are”
Me: Aren’t most angels men?
A telemarketer just called my cell phone.
I pretended to be a phone sex operator.
HE didn’t hang up.
…things got awkward.
me: I carry a lot of stress right here
masseuse: this is a brain scan
Coworker : I just like to go with the flow.
Me : Flow away, I’m busy.
Teenagers should not handle weapons to fight crime or be turtles.
summer: wait its midnight alredy?? the sun hasn’t even set yet!! lol
winter: HOW. HOW IS IT NOT EVEN 8PM. THE SUN SET LIKE 5 DAYS AGO
I realize I’m struggling with this phase of my life but in my defense I wasn’t planning on living this long
Jason: Honey?
Wife: Mmmm?
Jason: Where is my hockey mask?
W: I washed it. It’s next to your machete
J: Hon, that’s my work mask. If it’s all shiny clean and smells like Gain it just kinda loses something when I’m stalking camp councillors
I put my toddler in white shorts and took her outside to play like some kind of masochist