The first time I ever went to a Catholic Church the fire alarms went off when I sat down. I can take a hint Jesus.
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guy: man it’s raining tigers and wolves out there
first guy to say “it’s raining cats and dogs”: oh it’s not nearly that much
you know the joke for kids that goes like this?:
“what do you call an alligator in a vest?”
“an investigator.”well, i think i just wrote a new one that goes like this:
“what do you call a duck who’s a detective?”
“deductive.”BONUS: a detective IS an investigator.
*pats crying child on the back*
“There, there”
*child keeps crying*
“Did you not just hear when I said, ‘There, there’? Shut up, already”
“I need a beer, you want one?”
– me, helping my son with his Legos
Me: *wearing my Burger King crown
Passport photographer: No
The political activism in this country has gotten out of hand. My son is lobbying for equal pay from the tooth fairy after hearing that some kid got $20.
uber drivers love asking where you’re from even though they just picked you up from there
Medusa was the absolute worst when it came to objectifying people.
Pre school teacher: here’s your kids artwork
Me: it’s got glitter on it
PST:
Me: STOP SENDING GLITTER-COVERED ART HOME OR I’LL CALL THE POLICE
PST: I don’t think the police-
Me: GOOD DAY TO YOU SIR
Who named it “Viagra” …..
and not “Miracle Grow” ?
[at bar]
Gee, I’m so hungry I could eat a horse
*nearby horse slams down his whisky*
COME ON THEN TOUGH GUY
*horse throws the 1st punch*
[putting away groceries]
I’m really glad I bought these tomatoes to go with [opens fridge and sighs deeply] these other goddamned tomatoes I bought 2 days ago and [looks behind those tomatoes with even deeper sigh] these other goddamned tomatoes I bought 3 days ago
Me: Okay 2 it’s time for bed
2: NO! Mommy go to bed
Me: Okay*goes to bed
I do really good on my diet for like 8 or 9 hours, and then I wake up.
Just went to Walgreens & they’re a bunch of liars. Their walls were more of a beige color. I’m suing.
My phone just changed, ‘calendar’ to ‘cake radar’ and now I really wish I had that.
*sits the ceo of ziplock down in an empty room* I have someone I’d like you to meet. *sits down the person in charge of cereal packaging* Figure it out.
Me: the enemy of my enemy is my friend
Enemy of my enemy: no, i don’t like you either
It costs $0.00 to be petty and I love free shit.
Little Red: I’m going to grandmas
Mom: wait I didnt finish teaching u the difference between human and wolf anatomy
Little Red: when would I ever need to know that?
Mom: lmao ya ur right. have fun
guy: man this water is warm
extremely narcissistic Luke: nah it’s not that warm this is like a different kind of warm tbh
I had the audacity to tell my kid to get their own snack and now I’m standing in the corner thinking about my actions.
doctor: do you smoke?
me: only after sex
doctor: *notices my “gamers don’t die they just respawn” shirt* you can just say yes
If you’re ever lost in the woods, just find the brightest star in the sky and you’ll know which way space is.
I relate more to serial killers than people who say they ‘forgot to eat’
I took a pole and found that 100% of people in the tent were angry.
Everyone please stop saying that today’s date only happens once. EVERY date only happens once, that’s how time works.
Got a new high score on my bathroom scale
Increasing the amount of high fives I give my boss each day until he quits his job
Galadriel told Frodo only he could destroy the ring. Smokey Bear said only YOU can prevent wildfires. Frodo did his job; did you do yours?