*moves heaven & earth for her*
*moves more left
*more left
*little right
*little more right
*moves heaven & earth back to original spot*
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Carrot raisin salad. When you want to eat something horrible, 3 times.
I said it was okay to come by my house. I didn’t say you could stop.
A thousand Milwaukees is a Bilwaukee.
sometimes work CAN be fun, like reading through a long, complicated email and realizing you have zero responsibility for it so you can immediately forward to the person that does while laughing
I was having a rough day so my wife suggested we make bread dough together.
I kneaded that.
Things to know before you date me:
1. I party
2. The doctor forgot to cut my umbilical cord so my mom has to come
me: I know we’ve only been together a short time, but I made you a mixed tape
kidnapper: 😳
My husband and I are co-counsel in trial today.
We already had an argument about who would drive to the courthouse.
This should be good.
[Australian recipe for upside down cake]
1: make cake
ME: this isn’t curing anything
SNAKE OIL SALESMAN: no refunds
ME: *oiling my snake* i didn’t say i don’t like it
I’m not paranoid but if you’re plotting against me let me know so I can prepare some snacks beforehand.
Are wings and mini tacos okay?
Calls for kids: Nobody responds.
Gets on phone: Two kids yelling for me while fighting, the other asking what’s for dinner when it’s 9 am.
[alternate world with no bees]
SCIENTIST: all the flowers are dying
ME: *takes a ite of a uritto* wow that’s a ummer
It’s a doge eat doge world out there. Such cutthroat. Very survival of the fitter
I’ve been practicing Social Distancing my whole life.. Just sayin.
My kids made a mess this morning pretending to be leprechauns. They don’t know it yet, but after school they get to pretend to be janitors.
WOLF: Hey, can I have a thing?
GOD: Sure, like what?
WOLF: I want to scream at the moon.
GOD: Not wings, or—
WOLF: No.
GOD: But you cou—
WOLF: Scream. At. Moon.
If “six degrees” is true, somebody tell somebody to tell somebody to tell somebody to tell somebody to tell Scarlett Johansson I said “Hi.”
Every morning I wake up and every morning there is no breakfast in bed. We have got to do something about this level of poverty!
fondly reminiscing about the time i overslept for work by six hours and didn’t get fired
[emergency]
[super hero appears]
GUY: It’s Doesn’t-Understand-Rhetorical-Questions Man. Boy, am I glad to see you!
HERO: I…I don’t know
I tend not to use punctuation so much because I figure we’re all adults here and I trust you to know when to breathe
I hate laundry, dishes, sweeping, mopping, dusting, fixing and fetching. The only logical conclusion is that I am descended from royalty.
“Give a man a fish. Don’t ask why just do it.”
— if your boss wrote proverbs
i’m wearing a jetpack to my job interview tomorrow so if they turn me down i can disappoint everyone there by just walking out calmly
Pro Tip: I’m not a pro. Don’t listen to my tips.
Absolutely stellar ‘people in the papers pointing at the thing that’s made them angry’ today
Twitter is like being able to read every toilet wall in the world.
tonight at the bar, ask a woman if you can buy her a drink. If she says yes, hand that lucky lady a Starbucks gift card and walk away
What I really need is a woman who loves me for my money but doesn’t understand math.