Me: Excuse me
Waiter: Yes?
M: The wine’s corked
W: This is Holy Communion, the wine’s blessed
M: And the breadsticks are stale. I want to see the manager
*gets struck by lightning
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[pulls out acoustic guitar at a funeral]
alright everyone stop being all [finger quotes] sad this next 1 is dedicated to a very sexy widow.
Bowser: Honey, the toilet’s clogged
Wife: Call someone to fix it
Bowser: *dialing number* Well this is gonna be awkward
Yeah but how many of you can say you’ve managed to get your head stuck in the strings of a piano
Make it RAAAAIN!!
ICE CREAM GUY: Ma’am, everyone gets the same amount of rainbow sprinkles.
It’s amazing what happens when you take a little time to get to know someone.
They become even more annoying.
Prank Idea: Toss some red laundry in the ocean and turn the great white sharks into the great pink sharks.
Why yes internet stranger, I have tweets that contradict each other. It’s a timeline, not a deposition
If I have to be awake, everyone has to be awake.
– birds
The bad news is my toddler dumped my husband’s large water bottle all over the couch and himself. The good news is now he’s had his bath
Someone is yelling!
The voice is familiar…
How they rave and they rant!
Is it Jackman?
Or, Laurie?
Hefner or Grant?– Horton Hears a Hugh
what idiot named them “in-flight movies” instead of “Jetflix”
“Your guess is as good as mine”, I lie, knowing that my guesses will always be superior.
My wife is enjoying the attention I’ve been giving her lately & though painting a phone on her face is inconvenient, it’s saved our marriage
I just want to tell everyone how I feel about you!
Ma’am I just need you to sign for these packages.
WIFE: COME AND GET RID OF THIS SPIDER
ME to spider: I told you, you’ll get your money. Leave my family out of this
SPIDER: you’ve got 2days
[Life Pro Tips]
when considering crime, avoid anything that could add the prefix “international” to charges
Nonwriters: How do you write a book?
Writers: Well, you write and delete a lot. Then spend three hours researching, and correct it. Next you doubt your grasp on the english language and rewrite it again
Nonwriters: Then you’re done?
Writers: Then you start the next paragraph
Day 22 of quarantine and I’ve turned my living room into a nudist colony. The kids hate it but I’ve finally obtained some privacy
[Inventing Squash]
FRIEND: What are you doing?
ME: I just [smashes ball] really hate this wall
FRIEND: u know what [grabs racket] so do I
Every McDonald’s should have a flag they fly at half mast when the ice cream machine is broken
One day a guy named Matt banged a waitress and nine months later a mattress was born haha just messin around on this website.
He said there was no spark between us, so I tazed him. I’ll ask again when he wakes up.
I’m always a little suspicious of women who say that they don’t “remember things”
[firing squad]
Any last requests?“Here’s my mixtape, if u like it, will u let me live?”
Yes. *listens* Oh man that’s FIRE
*gunshots*
Obi-Wan: it’s over, Anakin. i have learned how to stave off a mountain lion attack
Anakin: you underestimate my power
Obi-Wan; *raises arms above his head in order to appear larger, begins to scream*
Stuffs more popcorn in my face*
Why don’t bad guys in movies just paint the red wire green?
My kid, 6: What’s the biggest structure a civil engineer has made?
Also my kid: Which way does the L go?
I asked my 5yo if he wanted leftover chicken for dinner, he said ‘ew, that’s a whole day old’ and I didn’t know I gave birth to a mini Gordon Ramsey.
You can literally say any Italian sounding words and pass it off as pasta.
I had bossatony micelli carbonara tonight.