I admire how much mileage The Cut gets out of people writing about when they sleep or are awake
You Might Also Like
Him: Can you decide quickly?
Me, 20 minutes later: No.
Whoever speaks at my funeral will probably just look over at my casket and say “well, she was always kind of like this.”
You want me to go to the bathroom? The thing that killed Elvis?
Why stop at clocks? I set my stapler forward an hour too. Told my shoes it’s Tuesday. My car still thinks it’s 1987.
If he doesn’t like fruit puns, let that mango.
I hate to choose sides, but if forced, I’ll aggressively side with the person paying my bar tab.
Don’t hate me cause I’m beautiful, hate me cause I stole your lunch out of the office fridge
The best part about being thirty is that I’m finally old enough to play a high schooler in movies.
My son got this balloon on Valentine’s Day. He accidentally let go & it floated to the ceiling. Days later it was still up there. I said, “be patient, it will come down” but he didn’t believe me. “If it comes down I get an iPad!” he said. I agreed. Then I glued it to the ceiling.
Spice up your meltdown through interpretive dance.
Couple down the street from us celebrated 53 years of marriage the other day.
I asked the wife “how did you do it?”
She said “my knees tired”.
They go to church every Sunday so I THINK she meant pray.
But Jesus Christ i just ain’t all the way sure.
Forever 21 has gone bankrupt.
One more Forever that didn’t last.
Man Hoping People Notice How Many Folding Chairs He’s Carrying At Once
[minutes after eating mac & cheese] u know what would be amazing right now- and honestly it’s been a while since I’ve had it- mac & cheese
I hate it when I have to go pee at someone else’s house but there’s no toilet paper, so I’m forced to use the hand towel hanging so festively above the sink.
my daughter hones her survival instincts by forgoing the provided bowl and spreading goldfish crackers all over the house to forage & store
Name please
“Yo-Yo Ma”
Your full name
[quietly] “Yoghurt-Yoghurt Marmalade”
Teach your kids how to make friends with people with beach houses. Otherwise you have to buy your own and turns out it’s pretty expensive
*Opens Facebook, closes Facebook
*Opens Insta, closes Insta
*Opens twitter, doesn’t sleep for 3 days
I was overcharged by a plumber!
So, I’ve been secretly training a gorilla to roll barrels at people.
Tomorrow, we’re kidnapping his girl.
*Toddler grabs my shirt and pulls.
Me: Use your words, and tell me what you want, son.
*Husband grabs my shirt and pulls.
Me: Use your words, and tell me what you want, hon.
people ask “how could anyone write something as crazy as Alice in Wonderland” but then you read about the Victorians and the air was perfumed with opium, there was arsenic in the walls, you could get mercury poisoning from a hat.
Her: Thank goodness you brought home a bottle of Drano, but how did you know we had a clogged drain?
Me: *chugging the entire bottle* what?
someone trained 10 dogs to jump rope together and I can’t train 2 kids to sit and stay during dinner
Sister: And you definitely know how to do this sawing trick?
Me: Yes of course I…oh no
Half sister: what
*Tries to start the wave at a funeral
Theresa nothing worse about a breakup than your ex’s name autocompleting whenever you type a word that starts with Theresa same letters
{commercial for boats}
Tired of your car not knowing how to swim?
Him: Going to Taco Bell, want anything?
Me: I’m just thirsty
Him: What do you want?
Me: Six tacos and a burrito
what does awkward people do, when they run out of bad jokes? get som new ones