In High School I was pretty popular with all the boys.
I was known as “Hey, will you ask your friend if she likes me?”
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BREAKING: Popeye Expresses Outrage as Pope Goes to Mount Olive
One day my daughter will walk into the kitchen when I’m sneak-eating cookies and there will be a reckoning
Does anyone know the difference between an elk and a deer?
Cos I think I just ran over a cyclist.
No one warned me that my teens can be royally pissed off with each other, but that will not stop them from missing an opportunity to collectively be mad at me.
That tweet was so bad I felt sorry for the alphabet.
Friend: Show her you will go the extra mile.
[Later]
Her: You passed our stop.
Me: I am aware.
me, drunk, into the thermostat: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?
I’m really tired of the LED headlights on some cars. Like I’m really glad you can see 92 miles ahead but the rest of us are blind now.
9am: protein shake, oatmeal
1pm: small salad, chicken breast
5pm: grilled salmon, spinach
9pm: 4 whole “i don’t give a shit anymore” pizzas
[planning bank heist]
leader: we need a fall guy
me: [walks in wearing a flannel and carrying a pumpkin spiced latte]
leader: he’s perfect
College football is great bc every guy on the field is the best football player to come out his HS in years or perhaps ever but then you get a matchup where one of the guys is a future 9x Pro Bowler & the other guy is a future litigation attorney and thats when the magic happens
[On the phone with my MIL while the kids are staying with her for several days]
MIL: So, do you think you could be an empty nester?
Me (In bed at 10:30am with a package of Oreos scrolling Twitter): Oh I don’t know, I would miss them so much
Watching two cars with reindeer hood antlers rutting for a parking spot and I’ve never felt more David Attenborough.
I saw a statue of Cinderella today. I didn’t like it, but I found the plinth charming.
Drink like a fish and you’ll never feel like a fish out of water socially. You might look like one but you’ll never feel like one…
Seems like the “how to use a fire extinguisher” video on YouTube shouldn’t have a 30 second ad before it.
*shampoos & conditions hair
*rinses hair
*blowdries hair
*straightens hair
*spits toothpaste into hair
Teaching my first English course this semester has been rewarding but I don’t know what to do with this student
If someone sends you a link marked ‘Madonna Singing Naked in the Bathtub’ don’t open it.
It’s Madonna singing naked in a bathtub.
Son: Mom, can I sleep with you? I’m scared.
Me: No, I can’t risk the monster following you into my room and killing me.
Interviewer: what makes you qualified for the janitor position?
Me: I used to be on the curling team in college.
Robin Thicke is what would happen if a roofie became a human and decided to make music.
A woman at work told me I had great energy which is entirely plausible as I just ate a lithium battery.
Accidently used the word “henceforth” in my third grader’s book report and the teacher is suspicious.
If everything happens for a reason, explain Windows update.
Girlfriend: I think we should spend some time apart from each other.
Me: Hiatus?
Girlfriend: I hate us too.
*world is ending*
Met Gala: LOOK AT MY DRESS THO
Egg nog was invented in Germany back in 1816 when Baron Von Heldebrandt reportedly said “Hey guys, let’s get this custard drunk!”
Driving mom somewhere: 45 min monolog on health troubles of people I never met
Driving dad somewhere: 43 min of silence; 2 min on gas prices
Me: my dog Ruffles can talk – what’s the outside of a tree?
Ruffles: bark!
Me: a word to describe shouting an order?
Ruffles: bark!
Friend: he’s just woofing
Ruffles: I said bark not woof, you idiot