I’ll never forget the day we met. That’s the great thing about police records
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What do people who drive 20 mph slower in the rain want from us
I’d have murdered my husband years ago, but the only place w/ more laundry than my house is prison.
Dating is just wondering why some people are single and figuring it out.
[Opportunity knocks]
Me: I’m not answering. You should’ve sent a text first.
When a sales clerk asks if you need help with anything, this does not include kids.
I know this now.
“I’m going to show off my new belt by tucking in my T-shirt” -Men over 50.
It’d be nice if the married people would leave some of the single people for the rest of the single people.
Daughter: are ghosts real?
Me: no.
Daughter: grandma told me ghosts are real.
Me: honey, grandma passed away before you were bor-wait.
What do you mean the project is DUE TOMORROW?!
– a parenting memoir
[right before the quest for the holy grail]
king arthur: alright, WHO BROKE MY FAVORITE CUP?
*my friend pulling the dog’s tail after his surgery*
why isn’t this lamp working
If laughing is good for you because you use 15 muscles, think how healthy you’ll be if you’re breaking a chair on someone’s head every day.
*Movie’s 10 second sex scene begins
My dad who’s been missing for 12 years: hey whatcha watchin’
Falling in love makes you do stupid things. Once I even got married.
As a fun surprise I am teaching the neighbor’s cat to operate a motorcycle
You guys know that there are things higher than kites, right?
Psychic: Bruce Willis was dead the entire time! I did not see that coming at all.
Me: I’d like my money back.
“a quiet place” sequel cALLED “A LOUD PLACE” WHERE EVERYONE HAS TO KEEP SHOUTING AND MAKING ALL SORTS OF RUCKUS TO AVOID CREATURES THAT HUNT SILENCE
[baby pushes food away as I try feeding it]
Fine. Die.
… and on the eighth day, Satan created teenagers.
[first day as hotdog vendor] I’m sorry, these are not for sale
“lmao why do you guys keep calling it ‘The Last Supper ‘? Seems pretty ominous, right?”
-Jesus
I thought I stepped on a Lego, but thankfully, it was just a rusty old nail.
It’s very funny to me that in The Wizard of Oz Glinda is like “only bad witches are ugly” five seconds after asking Dorothy if she’s a good witch or a bad witch.
“Ladies, calm down. Girlfriend, wife, whatever. The important thing is that between the 2 of you, you brought enough to post my bail”
Really, every section of the greeting card aisle could be called “Societal Obligation.”
Sorry, michael00008765348921652. I’ve already found my partner and definitely don’t want to get to know you better.
We go together like unprotected eyes and a lab accident.
My husband asked me to iron a shirt, so to be nice, I went out and bought him the same shirt with no wrinkles.
The “walk of shame” should be going to a bar the next morning after being drunk looking for your lost debit card.