I thought Penelope was pronounced Peen-a-lope until I was in jr high school
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“I’m gonna call it a day.”
– God, naming things
[Dracula before he got braces]
:F
the bad guy in hallmark movies is a boyfriend who is like “uh no babe i cant drop everything + leave work this weekend im about to close a deal for ten million dollars that will set us up for life” and the good guy is a guy who is just standing there when she gets to her hometown
Marriage is one person sitting on the couch eating Cheetos while the other looks for the remote because she can’t hear the TV
Once, I got pulled over because a cop thought my car was on fire but really it was just my hair flying out the sunroof.
I love going places just to spend the entire time taking my kids to the bathroom
Before you call me, ask yourself, “Can I text it?”
Before you text me, ask yourself, “Can I email it?”
Before you email me, ask yourself, “Can I just think it really, really hard?”
Me: Will you marry me?
Her: No
Backing singers: She said no! she said no!
Me: Not now
Day one without power. Already considering which neighbor would taste best.
He said I won his heart and I was all “Ugh can I just win like $20? How about a sweater from Sears? A pencil? I could really use a pencil.”
Two sessions in and my therapist absolutely hates the guy who suggested I need therapy. Love that for me.
Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer had a very shiny nose. Other symptoms of his alcoholism included violent rampages and chronic nausea.
5-year-old: I’m supposed to find out more about my hero for school.
Me: Aw, you came to me.
5: Yeah. Can you tell me more about Batman?
banana bread: bc I’ve got almost $0.08 worth of rotting bananas I don’t want to waste, so I’m going to use $10 of other ingredients
David Hasselhoff saves money on tailored shirts by not ordering the first 5 buttons.
Oh thank goodness, my Uber driver knows what’s really wrong with this country.
Person: I evaluate the efficacy of new medications
Me: *nodding* a curator
You want me to respect scientists. The people who almost killed E.T.
If someone tells you they don’t like some particular word, do not torment them with it. To do so is totally moist.
Let me make this abundantly clear
– window makers probably
[grocery store]
Meat department: 7 people will all try to help you at the same time, they are very excited about this
Rest of the store: reportedly one person works here but he has not been heard from since 1989. His name is Gary. If you see him, tell him his family misses him
Bean bag chairs are venus fly traps for anyone over 35.
my dance moves can best be described as “did that dude just try to leap frog?” & “whoa that’s a lot of blood” & “is he still alive?”
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
When 9 pisses off 7 then 7 flips him off with his ring finger. Then I laugh, 9 gets upset and I really shouldn’t be a parent.
*stares at phone for 3 hours*
*puts phone down, reads book for 5 minutes*
*glances up from book*
Wow, look at all these braindead fools glued to their phones
If you get confused visiting Canada and you think you’re in France, relax my dear wanderer, you’re not high! It’s not you, it’s just Québec
I still use the word “dude”.
I don’t give a dude.
I don’t use it right, but I still dude it.
I could totally be a squirrel matador. Possibly.