When my Uncle died the obituary said that he ‘passed away in the warmth of his own home.’
It was a house fire.
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I’ve had a few people on this site respond to something they disagree with with “I expected better from you”, and I’m like “why?”
I love raking all the leaves in my yard into a big pile then running really fast and jumping to conclusions when people don’t text me back.
saying “i am bad at this”
-defeatist
-will make you sad
-removes the possibility for improvementsaying “a whale would be impressed by my ability”
-encouraging
-always true because whales don’t even have thumbs and also appreciate effort
-makes you think about whales
My horoscope today just said “NOPE”
[watching friend input his password on a website]
ME: dude, your password is just 10 asterisks? not very secure
mom: Do you need us to bring anything tomorrow?
me: Pumpkin pie
mom: Anything else?
me: Turkey
mom
me: Stuffing
mom
me: Plates
How did you break your leg?
[flashes back to tripping over couch] I twisted it while pushing a toddler out of the way of an oncoming train.
me (no beers): i will never read from the human skin bound book of the dead. i will not chant it’s dark messages.
me (four beers, smiling): hell, lemme see that book of the dead, brother. what’s one rune reading among friends?
Be the person that gives out the full size candy bars, I said, and now I have 55 full size candy bars left in my house.
Galadriel told Frodo only he could destroy the ring. Smokey Bear said only YOU can prevent wildfires. Frodo did his job; did you do yours?
i love police dramas because i’m a big fan of men in rolled up sleeves standing in front of a map saying “all right people listen up” 20 minutes in.
what do you mean I never take you anywhere we just took a 365 day trip around the sun
If I ran a yoga class, I’d make up new names for all the poses.
Alright, we’ll start with The Wandering Kneecap, then move onto Downward-Facing Drunk, and then The Greasy Weasel.
Husband: How’s your diet going?
Me: *scraping cheese off his burger wrapper with my teeth* Fine.
Me: *laughing in the face of danger*
Danger: *kills me*
When someone says “We can still be friends” after a break up it’s like saying…”The dog died but can we still keep it?”
my girlfriend of the past 6 months said the time has come for her to release me into the wild. i have awoken groggy, somewhere in a jungle, and i can hear the sounds of insects, a rushing river, and some very persistent hooting noises off in the distance.
You let a man into your life and now you’re irritated before 9 am
My turd eating dog just spit out something I cooked if anyone wants to come to dinner.
Always take one positive friend & one negative friend on road trips. Then if your battery dies, you can hook cables to them & start your car
Out of all the places I could choose, a music festival would have to be my favourite place to perspire with 10,000 strangers.
Accidentally called my therapist mom again. He was not pleased.
Him: don’t you want your umbrella?
Me: no, my phone says it’s not raining
Him: but *points to window* you can see that it is
Me: I hardly think reality knows better than google Colin
*Takes leash off feral dad*
Me: Go on, boy. Get outta here.
*Feral dad barbecues on my new shoes*
BAD DAD! BAD!
I’m the type of person who thinks he lost his keys while driving his car
Him: wanna go to your favorite place?
Me: Poundtown?!
H: I was thinking Target but—
M: no, no, your instincts were correct
Women wanted him, men wanted to be him, geese were skeptical
me: you can get hurt when you don’t listen. daddy and I watched a show last night about a kid who lost his eye because he was being bad
6: what happened?!
me: well, he stole a dragon but that’s not the point
Whenever I see a new couple on a date I walk up to their table, hold up my phone and tell the guy “You’re Wife Sarah says hello”.
16: What flavour yogurt is pilot’s favourite?
I don’t know.
16: Plain.
You’re going to be such a great dad.