“We were trapped in the elevator and had to make a terrible decision”
Which was?
“We ate Bill”
OMG. How long were you in there?
“4 minutes”
You Might Also Like
The Riddler: riddle me this: what can you eat all night long, but never get full?
Batman: ?
How much longer until we can get pets that are also wifi hotspots?
Me: Can I be frank?
Him: This is 2022, you can be whoever you want to be.
Me: Get out.
The CDC has increased the 3 second rule to 2 minutes.
“Do you like Tolstoy?”
“Of course. Who doesn’t?”
“What’s your favourite book?”
“The one where Woody is kidnapped & Buzz tries to save him”.
me: want to go hunting this weekend?
friend: sure i’m game.
me: oh then you probably shouldn’t come.
I’m praying to 1500 Hindu Gods to help me finish decorating this Christmas tree
road expansion addicts be like “just one more lane bro i promise traffic will be fixed, just one more i can stop whenever”
Waiting patiently for something good to happen like that goat in Jurassic Park.
I’m writing my PhD thesis in theoretical physics and every time I have to decide between using > and < I think to myself “the crocodile wants to eat the bigger number”
It’s not illegal to get in a taxi and scream until you’ve reached your destination.
* Psychic Job Fair *
Interviewer: What is your greatest strength?
Me:
Interviewer: You’re hired
me, sober: ugh, i’m never leaving my house again, people are trash.
me, after 3 beers: *on a megaphone* ATTENTION EVERYONE IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD I WOULD LIKE TO PAY YOUR ELECTRICITY BILL THIS MONTH
It’s always cool to swallow your pride unless you’re a lion.
Lol
I’m gonna start giving bad news to people in that cute, high pitched voice I use to talk to kids and dogs.
EVERYBODY WHO MAKES ACTION MOVIES: We should have all the actors talk really quietly so people turn the volume way up right before an explosion.
We were begging to be conned. #MrRobot
become ungovernable
I know
eating my hot dog hamburger style
[getting pulled over]
Me: R u a bear cop?
Bear cop: Is that a problem?
Me: As long as you’re not a maul cop
*mauls me for bad pun*
[you cannot sleep while there are enemies nearby!]
Me: lol buddy…
If everyone who told me that I should be successful gave me $2, then I would be.
The difference between a hippo and a zippo is that one is really heavy and the other is a little lighter. Thank you, g’nite.
girlfriend: I’m sick of you having no sense of direction
me: where did that come from
My Mom: I like that actor Tom Hiddleston. What was he in?
Me: Taylor Swift for a while.
Teach your kids how to drive a car, get a job, cook, & do laundry from day one. The quicker they learn this, the faster they can move out.
Our Father, who art in Heaven, Hallowed be thy name
But Imma call you “Hal” for short, ‘k, Chief?
Why is it no matter how bad you rack yourself physically ppl invariably ask “Are you ok?”
Sure I am. Why I was just thinking this morning my hair would look so much better if it had matted blood in it.
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board?
dad: *nudge* could’ve been you
a philosopher: *sigh*
flight attendant: we are going to crash and can either hit a field and kill 1 farmer or a runway and kill 5
dad: what
a philosopher: IT’S HAPPENING OH MY GOD IT’S REALLY HAPPENING