If you beat a man with a mustache in a fist fight, you get to keep his mustache.
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Christian Bale named his son Burrito Bale when he could have named him Taco Bale. I want that noted the next time the conversation comes up about who’s the best Batman.
Facebook: Nothing is private
Twitter: Everything is privates
On average I spend about $80 a year to watch bananas turn brown.
Forgot my glasses so I’m pointing at a random spot on the menu and hoping for the best
i will avenge u mr van gogh
> be 28
> mom tells me to get a job
> put on Braveheart face paint
> run into kitchen
> scream FREEDOM
> mom tells me to get a girlfriend
Apparently my kid got in trouble today for PACKING OUR TOASTER IN HIS BACKPACK and pulling it out at lunch to make pop tarts for his class. I can’t stop laughing.
me: I invited colin for dinner tomorrow
her: is that the guy that always gets the day wrong?
*knock at the door*
me: yes
Not being an heiress has ruined my life
I try to live my life everyday as if it were my last. And who wants to do laundry on their last day? Not me…
My wife just gave me an ultimatum, it’s either her or Twitter.
So, sadly this will be my last tweet, where I mention having a wife.
My 5yo asked me if we could go to someone else’s house because he says we go to our house a lot
Watching my kids inspecting the French dips I made like I’m about to defend a dissertation
Them: and what is this?
Me: that is ..(checks notes).. Provolone cheese, ma’am
Them: hmmmmm….
me: [in bed, hears a weird noise] wtf was that?!
dracula: [bursts out of my closet]
me: did you hear that too?!
dracula: yeah wtf was that?!
If you have slept with someone who sounds like Darth Vader breathing, you understand why it’s so great to sleep alone.
3 y/o, sobbing : I’VE JUST SWALLOWED MY SUPERMAN TOY!
Me: Ok calm down. I know exactly what you’ve got to do.
3 y/o: what?
Me: You’ve got to search for the hero inside yourself.
[God creating cats]
God: people will wanna hug ’em, but they usually won’t want you to
“Don’t stop, don’t stop! Oh god, PLEASE DON’T STOP.” – me to the server grating cheese over my pasta plate
My kid is singing “Mac-n-cheese” to the tune of “Stand by Me.”
You guys just tried it, didn’t you?
U know the 1960’s movie “The Birds” about an onslaught of thousands of flying creatures? That’s me when I open the Tupperware cabinet…
has anyone maybe thought to check on the mom?
I don’t even have a theory where Malaysia is.
What does it mean when you sit next to an elderly woman on the bus and she shakes her head and makes the sign of the cross?
Next time a dude says “Pictures or it didn’t happen”, punch them in the throat, take a pic, and tell a story about a guy you throat punched.
I need all your thoughts and prayers, I’m fine, but my niece is staying with us and I forgot how many questions a 9 year old asks
felt cute might bury dad later idk
I only hug people when I need to wipe my hands off.
The scene where Indiana Jones swaps the bags and runs from a boulder but it’s me trying to eat a cookie without my kid seeing me
Flying Monkey: Notice she only calls us “pretties” when she wants something.
Mother: A carrot is just a vegan hotdog.
*son looks at carrot*
Mother: [desperate] Bugs Bunny eats them!
Son: This is updoc.
Mother: What’s-