“Are you still watching?”
Yes, Netflix. I didn’t magically get my shit together in the last three hours.
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“wya?” my limit bro. i’m at my limit
I don’t know what to do
The Chipotle I went to apologized for not having any lettuce today. I said “It’s cute that you think I’m here for that.”
Neighbor: Help I have a plumbing emergency!
Me: *grabs tools*
Neighbor is naked and wet
Me: um what kind of plumbing are we talking about?
Maybe having my husband talk to my son about how he shouldn’t be running a fantasy football league with his friends at school was a bad idea because my husband’s first question was, “What’s the buy in?”
[interrogation room]
me: tell us
criminal: he’ll kill me if i do
me: you’re making my partner very angry
my partner, who is also the lamp from the pixar intro: [shines light brightly]
criminal: i-
me: [holding back lamp as he tries to jump on criminal] shit that set him off
Me: Where my favorite girl in the whole world?
Wife: Right here!
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife: You were talking to the dog, weren’t you?
Me: Yes
A guy I know was flirting with the cashier, and she ignored him. When he said “How about a thank you?” She leaned toward him, and said “It’s printed on your receipt.”
“Let there be me.” God, just before he created himself out of nothing.
Wife: ” What’d you do today?”
Me: “Tell me what you think I did.”
Wife: [looking off into the distance] Babe, what do you really want in this life?
Me: I want what Link & Zelda have.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: [after a long moment] the master sword?
Me: yes.
Quite possibly the best sign I have seen before the day ends 😂
How do you know when your pen has run out of invisible ink?
scientist: what do u know about atoms
me: very little
I would never join a gang, because I am vehemently against group projects.
Iron Man, Iron Man, does everything an Iron can
Gets real hot on a mat, makes your clothes get really flat
Look out! Here comes the Iron Man
I’m going commando for Valentines day. He’s going to be so surprised when I parachute into his yard and blow up his house.
It wasn’t no corona till y’all started balancing brooms in the house, y’all let the devil in
SHE has the mouth of a sailor…
…that recently retired & started a new career as a trucker.
If she can do anything why is there no Money Laundering Barbie?
Fruit ninja: [about to strike]
Surprise car chase: [destroys fruit stand]
Fruit ninja: omg seriously
My husband ruins every game show by figuring out how much tax the winner will have to pay.
My grandad’s novel about his killer bicep workout would’ve been a huge success if that jerk Hemingway hadn’t stolen ‘A Farewell to Arms’
[dog park meeting]
dog: we have confirmed reports that they’re hiding pills from us…
[low growls]
dog: IN THE CHEESE
[outraged barking]
Boss:my office, now!
Me:*to myself* dont be about Twitter dont be about Twitter
B:we’ve had a sexual harassment complaint
M:Oh thank God!
Cicadas are all like, “Y’all mind if I scream?”
Maybe Gotye was an actual goat that sold it’s soul for the chance to be a human with a hit song and now he is back to just being a goat
gonna mess with my husband by texting “send nudes” when he’s in a work meeting
I love when people tell me they’ll “see me in hell” as if I’m not gonna weasel my way out of those plans too.
Boss: “you’re fired”
Me: “I guess we’re just gonna have to agree to disagree”