“Yes, but what if 9 pregnant women could produce a baby in 1 month?”
-More or less every project manager I’ve ever worked for
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FBI AGENT: You’ll be put into witness protection
ME: Can I be someone that has friends?
FBI AGENT: No, it has to be believable.
Told my kids we can’t have nice things because of them and 11 candidly says, “You’re the ones who decided to have kids,” so now I guess we don’t have nice things or comebacks anymore.
Only 50 more days til we find out who’s our next President! Last time I was nauseous 50 days straight, at least I got a baby out of it!
interviewer: your resume says you like being read to
me: and then what happened
My 3 year old nephew pronounces the letter ‘s’ like ‘d’ and received a very comprehensive lesson on the importance of the number six tonight.
Siri, make that person I actually really liked un-hurt my feelings
Does your kid ask you to “freshen his water” every night or are you not a five star restaurant?
I save a lot of money on all my tooth extractions by engaging in street fights..
When someone asks why you don’t have kids just say “dingoes”
I’ve been deep cleaning my house, so far I’ve removed 2,547 rocks 6,872 leaves and 4,925 sticks from my kid’s rooms.
Password: 1 upper case letter, 1 lower case letter, 1 stair case, 1 briefcase, 1 in case of emergency, 2 cases of beer, and 1 quesadilla.
My girlfriend said she liked long walks so I bought her a dog.
Wait, so hallways in mental institutions aren’t called psychopaths? Well they should be.
“You called about a break-in?”
“I did.”
“Anything stolen?”
“Just some food.”
“Anything else?”
“She messed up the furniture.”
“She?”
“Blonde girl. Jumped out the window.”
GYM COMMERCIAL: sign up now with no commitment
ME: finally a program for me
Flight attendant: Is anyone on board a doctor?
Me: No, I’m on board a plane haha
Man having a heart attack: ok I’m ready to die now
My wife has already mentally eaten half my fries before I’ve even ordered.
Audi is coming out with a bigger SUV that seats twenty.
It’s the new Audi Torium.
Don’t change, I hate you just the way you are.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: I bet it was to compliment my excellent driving. You’re so sweet to give me positive reinforcement. Bye now. *drives off*
Forever 21 has gone bankrupt.
One more Forever that didn’t last.
I’m wearing black with navy blue today. Fight me. Any bruising will only serve to tie it all together.
me writing at 3am: holy shit….. this is so good when did i become this talented
me reading what i wrote the next day: he roled he’s eye
[meeting]
DIRECTOR: I want amazing CGI
PRODUCER: Yes!
D: A huge cast
P: Agreed!
D: Realistic family photos
P: We don’t have the budget
Apparently, “I’m not circumventing your authority, I’m just trying to get around it”, was not the answer HR was looking for.
My wife completely ignores me when she watches Grey’s Anatomy……so I ordered the first 5 seasons.
After watching the Thriller music video, my kids asked what Michael Jackson transforms into. I told them he becomes a werewolf & my 4yo said, “why is it called a werewolf when I saw it right there on the TV?”
Me- Look at the beautiful Christmas lights kids!
My husband- Woo buddy, I’d love to see their electric bill
If you throw a pot of boiling spaghetti at someone’s face and it sticks, it’s done.
This cat looks like Wilford Brimley