I actually enjoy homeschooling my kids. What’s my secret? I’m doing a terrible job.
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FRIEND: and this is my pug
PUG: oink
ME: (thinkig to self) did that pug just say “oink”
Wrote “no thank you” on my jury duty summons and sent it back so I think I’m in the clear
My neighbour hit the post reversing out of the driveway. He hit the poor man delivering it too.
just responded to every text i haven’t replied to in weeks by sharing my wordle which i got in 2 guesses
Even if the recipe is called How to Cook One Clove of garlic, use three.
Guinea pigs aren’t real pets. You buy them when your kids are begging for a dog, but you want to make them sad instead.
Today my son put on a new roll of toilet paper for the very first time. He is 19.
My debit card got stolen at the gym which is fine because i will still continue to go so that I can train to fight the person who stole it
Either this apartment is haunted or someone has been filling the sink with dishes & leaving notes that say, “You still owe $89 for cable.”
One more missile failure and the Acme Corp. is going to lose that North Korea contract.
[waking up in a ice-filled bathtub with a fresh wound across my abdomen] oh Jesus God no, somebody took my wolves
The doctor said to me, “Do you know you have a serious problem vocalizing your emotions?”
I said, “I can’t say I’m surprised.”
The house has to be spotless so the AC repair technician isn’t disappointed in me.
A Muslim in London just told me Merry Christmas. I smiled and said and Happy Ramadan to you. A beautiful moment of interfaith harmony and a stunning rebuke of Brexit. Then she said but it’s not Ramadan and I said listen granny stop ruining this fake story I need the retweets.
I would describe most of my social interactions at parties as “when you turn on the kitchen faucet and the water hits a spoon in the sink”
It’s unfortunate that our feet can’t taste things because there’s so much potential in flavored socks and crocs.
Airline just told my GF she has too much baggage & they’ve only known her a couple of minutes.
gross i hate the word moist! give me a wet cake. give me a wet, damp cupcake
*Watching a commercial where someone is rock climbing*
*Do not attempt flashes across the screen*
Me: *hasn’t left the couch in 12 hours*
“Okay.”
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
*stares lovingly at photo of wife and child*
*bravely runs into a burning house*
“It’s empty!” some yell
“That was a stock photo” others say
Since they won’t vote anyway, Obama should make the GOP look bad by nominating a bald eagle holding a picture of Jesus to the Supreme Court.
INTERVIEWER: Why do you want to work here?
ME: *crumbs tumbling from my mouth* Oh, I don’t. I was just walking by and saw you had donuts.
Today, my coworkers and I got reprimanded because a manager caught us aggressively twerking in absolute silence.
Writer joke:
Wife: “You need to do more chores around the house”.
Husband: “Can we change the subject?”
Wife: “Ok, more chores around the house need to be done by you.”
I’m like a semicolon; most people don’t know what to do with me.
*pulls lighter from bra*
*lights smoke*Where’s the shit you made me at school?
I use so many age defying crinkle creams that I don’t have finger prints anymore.
Know who put dinosaur bones in the ground? Dinosaurs. They WANTED us to think they were extinct. And now they’re waiting. Waiting to strike.
Sorry for the things I said when my sock got twisted up in my shoe.