[social gathering]
guy: wow, you work in an ER?
me: yep
guy: [whispering] so, uh, what’s the craziest thing you’ve seen in the ER?
me: [whispering back] a dermatologist with a zit
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me: [nervously] how often do these things crash
flight attendant: just once usually
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
Finding out that my kids take the “freeze” “unfreeze” game seriously might be the greatest moment of my life
*wonders how long they’ll stay frozen for*
Women are from Venus, men are wrong.
“I just can’t wait to hear the audible gasps of amazement from everyone who enters my house.”
-Me after spending 6 minutes cleaning
I’m not sure if this snake is trying to ask me a question or if he’s just eaten a candy cane.
I left Facebook because of the arguments about politics. That and seeing relatives I can’t stand. It was like having a family Christmas dinner every day.
Him: Who ate a whole pan of pigs in a blanket??
Me with crescent roll crumbs stuck to my lip: Burglar.
Flossed the day before a dentist appointment like I was cramming for a history test.
Cellmate: what did you do?
Me: robbed a bank.
Cellmate: nice! how’d you get caught?
Me: [lights a cig and takes a long drag]
I stopped to put all the money facing the same way.
can’t catch a break
My cousin is 3 months pregnant and my really old uncle keeps commenting on her pics “woah. any day now, Bernice” and I’m literally crying laughing
My son got mad unfollowed me… I disconnected his phone.
-I win
I’m going to need all parents to listen to me when I say “LOOK AT THE DIMENSIONS OF THE DOLLHOUSE BEFORE PURCHASING”.
Just trust me on this one.
Signed,
Proud owner of a small house that would probably fetch $1100/month on Zillow.
“Can I have a pound of onions please.”
“Sorry sir, it’s kilos these days.”
“oh, ok, can I have a pound of kilos please.”
Protip: If a party guest says “I don’t dance” what he’s really telling you is “make my drinks stronger please”.
“I like to get off on the right foot.”
“Wow. That’s a VERY specific fetish.”
[tarot card reading]
*flips card*
You will be a King
*flips card*
And find a beautiful queen
*flips card*
Oh my, you will be clubbed TWICECustomer: …is that a regular deck of cards?
I really wish I could hug some of you and maybe set fire to a few of you.
interviewer: what’s the first thing people notice about you when you enter a room?
me: have i run in screaming? probably the screaming
interviewer: no screaming
me: then it’s my calm demeanor
Me: you’re my first customer so forgive me if I’m slow
Bank robber: you’re doing great buddy
Youtube cooking video: and you can add a little of this if you have some lying around
Me: I promise you I do not
Because a fish decided to walk on land years ago, I am now forced to pay taxes and wear pants in public.
Apple Computer is taking steps to
protect user privacy.Their new policy is iWon’t tell…iPromise
The rule should be if you can smell the cookout you’re invited to the cookout.
shampoo commercial: do you want more volume in your hair?
Medusa: absolutely not
“ICE BUCKET CHALLENGE LOL!”
-captain of the Titanic
her: I named my baby Susan
me: boring
her: she’s a puppy
me: omg I love it
It was the Bleh of Times,
It was the Meh of Times…