I told my husband not to get me anything for Valentine’s Day, now we wait…
You Might Also Like
I needed this laugh 😂😂😂
Still laughing at this stupid meme
Me: Guys, please, I just need 5 minutes without a question, so I can finish this.
4yos:
Me:
4yos:
Me:
4yo: Why do you need 5 minutes, Daddy?
ME: *plummeting to earth* I’VE MISUNDERSTOOD THE INTENDED UTILITY OF PARACHUTE PANTS
Staying with my parents, pt. 17:
Me: Mom, one of your wigs is set up in your bathtub in such a way that it looks like a person is sitting in there. It’s terrifying.
Mom: …
Me. …you did that on purpose, didn’t you?
Mom: It scares your dad. He’s funny when he’s scared.
If I could rearrange the alphabet I would put U & I and your hot friend Amber together.
“Our guests often come for a week but stay for months.”
– The cruise industry, putting a positive spin on Covid-19.
Walmart customers are classless.
You shouldn’t drink Cabernet from a Pringle’s can.
Those cans are meant strictly for Pinot Noir.
I keep sending TikTok clips to 18 and she keeps ignoring them. Girl do you know how many handstands you made me watch in the pool? You owe me.
Yellowstone visitor upset bears didn’t show (Would like park service to train them):
2 wants to be a firefighter when she gets big so she can “save all da people from da pigeons and spiders.” You’re welcome.
*walks into a nuclear power plant
Do you serve fission chips?
I’ll see myself out..
wolf: little pig, let me in
pig: not by the hair on my chinny chin chin
wolf: ok you took this to kind of a weird place
Nobody:
My possessed doll at 3 am: [laughs in Seth Rogen]
The doctor asked if I was sexual active.
I shook my head and said “Not in front of the wife”.
What is the best nickname for a nun in heaven?
If you guessed “Heaven nun” or “Angel nun” you’re wrong.
The answer was “Nun of the Above”.
*hands cashier $100 bill
“Ya have anything smaller?”
*crumbles up $100 bill and hands it to cashier
told someone i’m as “single as a pringle and as neato as a dorito” then they blocked me immediately
I think Schrödinger would’ve really liked the microwave.
Can’t get a girl? Rip out your rib and make your own! Critics are raving “this doesn’t work” and “I’m bleeding to death”.
the last thing a carrot sees
While editing, I was trying to write: “maybe this should be in bold, for emphasis”, and instead wrote “in blood”. Still works!
Bruce Willis is watching Brokeback Mountain & shaking his head. “Silly Cowboy! Thats not a horse hahaha he’s trying to ride the man bwahaha”
i’m having this made into a welcome mat
Mechanic: You’re ready to roll.
Me: I think I’d rather drive.
completely misunderstood pride month. who wants to buy 15 lions
There are 2 screaming kids & a guy talking full voice on his cell in this bank. I’ll wave at you on the news tonight as they lead me away.
I have, a really beautiful body
under my floor boards
Cereal is basically dog food for humans.
posted the “what are my red flags” thing on instagram and not a single person replied. just as i suspected, i am perfect.