Mom: Some scary old lady keeps FaceTiming me.
Me: Mom, turn your camera around and she’ll go away.
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Planet of the Apes is starting to look downright optimistic.
Her: I love pizza
Me: *trying to impress* they actually called me pizza face in middle school
Mother’s Day is great b/c you get to wake up to your kids fighting over who gets to give you your card first instead of regular fighting.
Today I drove through a huge puddle that splashed up under my car and laughed to myself as I whispered, “car bidet.”
Damn it, my wife found the guy who’s been sneaking in at 11pm is the donut delivery guy. Guess I should stop pretending I’m having an affair with him.
[son hands me a picture he painted]
Me: what’s that
Son: it’s our house
Me [walks outside with son]: do you see how it absolutely isn’t?
[Party]
HIM: Hi, I’m John.ME: Hey, I’m Andrew, with a “y”.
HIM: …Where’s the y?
OTHER PARTY GUEST FROM ACROSS THE ROOM: Ugh, why is Andrew here?!
ME: *Finger guns*
The strangest thing happened. A coworker who always says, “Living the dream” was mysteriously stabbed 37 times in the neck with my car keys.
[creation of trees]
god: when it’s warm you’ll be covered in leaves
tree: like a big coat?
god: yes but when it’s cold they’ll all fall off
tree: (eyes narrow) how long have you been doing this job
I’ve made it to 10am without eating my lunch what more do you want from me
I say ‘tomato’, you say ‘put your hands where I can see them and exit the vehicle slowly’ .
So, when she said she wanted a ‘fairy-tale’ romance, she didn’t actually want me to eat her grandma or lock her in a tower?
Dating is hard.
Necessity is the mother of invention, and the wife of bill.
Bill is the only one in the family with a normal name.
I always cry at weddings, but only because being that close to large cakes makes me so happy.
I hope my tombstone reads: Matrixed 9 out of 10 bullets.
Why do grocery stores double-bag everything? Like why don’t you just make bags that are twice as strong?
cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
me: is it the body in my trunk?
cop: haha
me: haha
body in my trunk: haha
(pouring whiskey)
Wife: What are you doing? Didn’t they give you instructions after they vaccinated you?
Me: Yes they said to be sure to drink a lot.
Wife:
Me:…or stay hydrated…or something like that.
– dinner –
Kid 1: finishes in 18.4 seconds
Kid 2: finishes in 34.7 seconds
Kid 3: finishes in 5 hours 29 minutes
Satan won’t really know what hell is until I turn up with my whistle.
Whenever I see someone trying to parallel park I avert my eyes and continue walking giving them the privacy they need because I’m a decent human being
I hope 2016 doesn’t get renewed. The plot is ridiculous and none of the characters are likable.
Me: I wish I had a nickname.
Coworker: You do.
It’s wild how many grown adults complain about being in debt. Like, it’s not hard. I have zero debt in my early 30s, all because I’ve worked since I was 16, I don’t spend money on things I don’t need, and my great great grandfather invented doors.
“MAKE GOOD CHOICES!!”, I screamed from inside the cop car
Me: Any Costco requests?
Husband, who is out of deodorant, toothpaste, and work snacks: Nope, I’m good.
I can’t wait till I have kids so I can drive slowly past McDonalds and tell them there’s food at home when they ask for some..
I’d let you be the reason my cheeks blush.. All four of them
COVID-19, economic collapse, quarantine, shortages…2020 can’t get any worse, you said?
Facebook has announced it’s created rooms for Messenger.
God help us.
70% of the planet is covered in water yet here I am drowning in bullshit.