Me texting friend: Hey! What’s up?
Buddy: *sends picture of ceiling*
Me: I am so glad I didn’t ask “how’s it hanging”
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Him: you watch too much Food Network
Me: just enjoy your artisanal bread covered in a delectable berry compote
Him: its toast and jelly
8: “You know how Makayla and Abby are our cousins?”
Me: “Yeah”
8: “Did you know that WE’RE also THEIR cousins?!”
2015. Worse than the death of paper is the death of staplers. Rest in peace you sexy plastic alligators.
then my mum calls to ask why I’m not attending a family dinner; she says where is the glue
me: glue?
her: the glue you have been sniffing
me: are u 2 girls from England
them: Wales u idiot
me: sorry are u 2 whales from England
Ever miss somebody so much that you wonder why you became a sniper in the first place?
My son is explaining why my daughter is crying but I’m not buying it as I don’t think she can even say, “Please kick me in the face”.
Claiming that someone else’s marriage is against ur religion is like being angry at someone for eating a donut because ur on a diet.
Update my mom has decided that my peanut butter intake is too high so she has hidden all the peanut butter. Little does she know I went to the store and bought more and while I was hiding it I found the other hidden container. Double peanut butter. Game on Amy.
Muffled whimpers, moaning, panting…
…it’s just me, taking the stairs
*taps on a super old dude’s oxygen tank* you know that you can get this stuff for free right
Sir, would you like to upgrade your $7 small popcorn to a large and get a soft drink for an additional $1200?
Growing up, our family had this really lovely old German Shepherd, I’ll never forget being in floods of tears the day that mum and dad had to sit us down and tell us that he was being tried for war crimes.
are there any atheist mantises?
Fun fact: At the end of Titanic, when all the people are dying in the water, you can hear a faint, “Marco” and then an even fainter, “Polo.”
Don’t tell me I look good for my age tell me I look good for someone who is incredibly lazy and eats like I’m on death row
Cake: I want a girl who gets up early. I want a girl who stays up late.
Me: She is going to be exhausted.
my main career goal atm is to find a big bag of money in the woods
genie: i’ll grant you one wish now and then an additional wish every six months
me: i thought i got three wishes right now
genie: trust me this arrangement is much better at reducing your tax burden at the end of the year
“911, how may I help you?”
“Quickly, pretend like you’re my girlfriend”
“Sir, this is for emergen–”
“AAAAW I LOVE YOU TOO HONEY‘!”
I caught my insane ex going through my garbage, but I guess that’s what I get for dating a raccoon.
Why do doctor’s offices take your blood pressure AFTER weighing you? Of course it’s going to be high then.
No, you lookup addresses mentioned in crime reports to see how close they are to you.
every time I try to lay down for a bit it’s someone in a group text’s birthday
In the movie Titanic it always bugged me that she stayed on the raft when clearly she had more body fat for warmth.
The horror. The apostrophe’s.
When someone you don’t wanna see tries to make plans with you
I mean, I had to pay a gym membership so technically they’re not really free weights.
WIFE: I have a couple important announcements…First: I’m pregnant
ME: Hi Pregnant, I’m dad
WIFE: Second: No you’re not
[last night]
*gets drunk*
*can’t remember if I fed the dog*
*ends up feeding her 5 times*[tonight]
*comes home*
dog *hands me a beer*