I’m not laughing AT you, I’m laughing WITH other people at you.
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wife: Why is 9 crying?
me: Because it’s raining and he’s getting wet
wife: But we’re at a water park
me *takes a drink from my flask* Yep
6-year-old: Can I have some Oreos?
Me: You have the flu.
6: I’m sick, not dead.
me: [searching for the will to live]
will: I have a girlfriend
Don’t be fooled by American Airlines, it is just one airline
I tried to spell perseverance but I gave up in the end
[creating the Octopus]
Angel: How about a spider in a wetsuit?
God: Weird but I like it. Make it edible.
[interview]
“How would you describe your people skills?”
ME: I tend to drive others away.
“That’s great! Welcome to Uber.”
My kids are at an age now where they are beginning to understand embarrassment.
This is my time to shine.
My Kid: what was your favorite part of the day?
Me: that moment at about 8:30 this morning when my second cup of coffee hit me, and I could understand what you kids were saying through all your screaming.
Kid: huh?
Me: I said, when we went to the park.
Hard not to take this personally
On Sunday’s I Iike to dress as Satan & stand outside of churches, yelling at the parishioners that it’s not working & I own their soul.
Optimus Prime: so it’s settled. I’ll be a huge cool truck, Bumblebee you’re a camaro. Any questions?
[Dan the station wagon raises his hand]
Tuesday
Me: That guy is a bad apple.
6-year-old: He’s a person.
Me: I just meant he’s mean.
6: Probably because you called him an apple.
*getting hit on by someone else’s boyfriend* aw he must smell my boyfriend.
“Cake by the Ocean” probably has some alternate meaning but I’m too old to really care so I like to think it’s about a nice, young fellow eating birthday cake on the beach.
Me: The salon had just closed when I got there, so…
Him: Don’t do this.
Me: I didn’t make the cut.
Him: Ugh, I’m married to a dad.
I like my jims slim and my chances fat
Straight friend: Will you sensitivity read my book for my lesbian best friend character?
Me, two weeks later: The lesbian best friend is absolutely perfect. Here’s 16 pages of notes detailing the incorrect things you said about Star Trek.
A new study found the safest city to travel to is Tokyo, Japan. Unless, of course, you’re a dolphin.
Chicken salad is just like regular salad except, it’s afraid of the dark.
Your face is perpetually itchy now that you’re not supposed to touch it.
It’s science.
Sorry I looked completely surprised that your baby didn’t burst into flames when I chanted The Power Of Christ Compels You.
Parts of a worm:
1) Worm
I tried dusting after five energy drinks now my house is on fire.
My brain: I will not pick this pimple
My brain: I will not pick this pimple
My brain: I will not pick this pimpleMy fingers: so we did a thing
In all honesty, my new dating service, “Well You’re Not So Great Yourself” hasn’t really taken off like I’d hoped.
As a millennial, most people assume I am desperate for praise, but the secret is: I would be totally fine with money.
if you are getting the names Jon and John confused call them by their full names, Jonaldo and Johnaldo
How about the people in fast food commercials look like they actually eat fast food?