Taped a note to the beehive warning the Queen to recall her bees or face a flamethrower. Bitch called and told me to suck her bee clit. 馃檨
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Whenever I have to fix a hole in any wall I always hide a realistically drawn but totally fake treasure map in there first.
If your girl takes care of animals at the zoo treat her right cause she鈥檚 a keeper.
If a huge bird swooped down and snatched my infant I’m not sure if I’d scream, “my god, my baby!” or “Honey, Honey, get the bird book!”
(unless you have a dachshund puppy) it鈥檚 important to leave the house sometimes (because it鈥檚 the only way you鈥檒l see a dachshund puppy)
“Alexa, make a clapping noise so the lights turn on”
When life gives you lemons. Squeeze them in people鈥檚 eyes.
doctor: can you bend down and touch the ground with your fingertips
me: [struggling] nope
doctor: try without the stilts
My 6 year old says “Mom, I know” when I correct her and it makes me so excited for the teenage years.
COME TO ME JOURNALBOT
*Journalbot enters my study*
ok write this down: Polar bears are bear ghosts. “polargeists”
[very sad robot noises]
So cute how this taxi driver is taking an unnecessarily long route and driving slowly so he gets to spend more time with me.
The doctor removes the stethoscope from your chest. He seems flustered. “Well, it still sounds like moaning and the rattle of chains in a deep stone hole.”
He hands you a small wooden chest filled with rusty old keys. “Just keep swallowing these until one works.”
Popeye was heart healthy because he liked to eat spinach and Olive Oil.
Me: Hi, the names Pete. What’s yours?
Engelbert Humperdinck: Engelbert Humperdinck
Me: Fine, don’t tell me.
Dishwasher broke, so now I鈥檓 washing them all by hand like some sort of motherless Disney Princess.
Prayers for my distraught 5yo whose pet grape was just eaten by his twin sister
DATING TIP: pull out her chair at dinner & whisper “that’s not the only thing I’ll be pulling out” then pull out her napkin like a gentleman
This dudes dogs 馃榿battle cry
You’re not allowed to judge someone based on their scream in bug related situations.
My 1YO hit my 5YO with his toy so she got upset and asked me if we can return him to the hospital and pick up a “nicer kid”.
Car sex – for when you want risky sex AND improve your twister game
Pretty sure “see less from” is to Facebook what “close door” is to an elevator
*puts seashell up to ear*
Me: I think I can hear the ocea-
Seashell: Seven days. You will die in seven days.
Me: (to friend) It’s for you.
How I handle confrontation:
Them: Aimee!?
Me: *falls to the ground*
*does the worm*
How many husbands have I had? You mean apart from my own?
I tell you, it’s so hot out here I saw a bird blowing on a worm before he ate it.
At this point my only chance at getting thinner is going to a paint store.
The year is 1997. Your Tamagotchi is thriving. You just set a new personal best with your Bop It. Your mom packed Dunkaroos in your lunch. Everyone at school wants to be your friend. Life is good.
The year is 2020. You just found out Dunkaroos are coming back. Life is good.
SORRY MISTER, BUT MOM SAYS I CAN鈥橳 GET IN YOUR VAN UNLESS THE CANDY鈥橲 SUGAR-FREE.
I can鈥檛 do small talk I just asked the lady cutting my hair what she does for a living
This is a wasp nest that has grown around the flood lights on a garage and yes you will see it in your nightmares tonight