Him: I gave up drinking, partying and casual sex for the new year
Me: I gave up.
Drinking, partying and casual sex for the new year
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A swarm of locusts darkened the blue sky. This was my sign to finally send out my wedding thank you cards.
*brings pen to sword fight*
Me: ‘This ending kinda writes itself.’
Wtf, tried giving my political opinions at the checkout line today and nobody clapped.
if you have flat coke lying around in the kitchen, do not trash it, you can make a coke casserole. very simple recipe. here it is.
1. add tbsp. wow you’re still reading this.
2. maybe it’s time to logout, champ.
My 8yr old’s home from school and that means I’ll be yelled at for the next two days for accidentally breathing while she’s trying to record videos.
“Let’s run the bell commercial we’ve been playing for the past 17 years and take the month of December off” – The Hershey Kisses Marketing Team
COWORKER: donuts in the break room want me to grab you one?
ME: no thanks i’m on a diet
CW: are you sur-
M: OK BUT I’LL JUST HAVE THREE
*throws nickel at grandpa*
I need more magic ear money.
I’m a postman, and when I’m delivering a package which is obviously drugs, I just keep the drugs for myself, what are they going to do? Complain that the postman stole their drugs?
I have boogers but they are too big for these holes.
-my 5 yo on blowing his nose.
Yesterday I wrote an email to a customer named Trish where I apologized profusely, took ownership of our mistakes, and explained we would do anything to correct the situation. I averted disaster two seconds before I sent it when I saw my typo in the first two words, “Dear Trash,”
I’ve yet to find the village where people help you raise your kids
You text him, he doesn’t text you back. Obviously he was so excited that you texted that he fainted.
My wife has been leaving jewelry catalogs all over the house.
So, Ive taken the hint.
Got her a magazine rack!
The worst thing about owls is the way they can maintain eye contact when you put them in a microwave.
How to help someone who’s cooking a barbecue:
1. Stand at their side
2. Keep one hand on your hip
3. Other hand holding a drink
4. Stare at the food
5. Occasionally say “those sausages might be done I reckon”
6. That’s it. You’ve been invaluable
Finally!
my teenagers favorite way for me to wake him up is to rip the curtains open and let the bright happy sunshine hit his face. i mean he threatens my life after i do it but secretly deep inside it’s his favorite.
Co-workers. Because why should all your headaches come from family members.
Husband: Did you eat the leftovers?
Me: No.
H: Who did then?
Me: Ninjas.
H: (sigh) There are no ninjas.
Me: They’re very good ninjas.
If I groomed really well, lost some weight, got my teeth fixed and learned how to use Photoshop I could easily be a five
I don’t always sit on a throne of lies, but when I do it’s while searching the cupboards with my child for a snack I know I ate.
I’m fresh out of hopes and dreams. Can I interest you in despair and disappointments?
Boss: Can I have a quick word?
Me: Rapid
Boss:
I killed an hour today. The other measurements of time are terrified of me now.
The automatic toilet flusher is taking away your rights!
when interviewing a person for a dog walking position, you must make absolutely certain that given the chance, the applicant won’t eat a dog
america: tremble at our nuclear might
also america: we skip the number 13 on elevators when we build skyscrapers cos that’s spooky
I used to think alcohol silenced the voices in my head until I realised it had just moved them to my mouth.
me: sometimes I don’t do dishes for so long I’m completely out of silverware, so when I finally do them I have no reference fork and can’t remember where they go. Despite going in the same place for 5 years.
guy just trying to mug me: did you say “reference fork”?