My boyfriend threw out the packaging for our turkey crown. The packaging with the cooking instructions on it. Because I am a generous and mature person I said “never mind, I should have said.” And HE SAID “yes you should have really”.
And that’s what happened your honour.
You Might Also Like
My boyfriend is not gay!! So please next time you see him with some girls dnt come telling me.
Child: I’m full.
Me: Okay.
Child: Can I have dessert?
Me: What? You just said you were full.
Child: Yeah, full of THIS.
As I sail away from the Island of Lollipops, never to return, tears well in my eyes and I wave goodbye to each and every lollipop, the only friends I have ever known. “So long, suckers,” I whisper through trembling lips
Any job that calls u a rockstar just know they’re underpaying u
The other day I opened the center console in my wife’s vehicle and chap sticks sprang out of there like snakes in a can.
Saw a friend I haven’t seen in over 20 years tonight. She asked if I had any pics of my kids. You don’t realize how many pics of Harry Styles, Louis Tomlinson & dogs you have until someone is hovering over you. The scrolling I had to do to get to pics of my real children. 🤦🏼♀️
I bet when Kanye was little he played tag by himself, then argued with himself on whether he was tagged or not.
[Fairground]
Son: Daddy can I have a balloon?
Me: If you’re good.
Son: Good at what?
Me: Buying your own balloons
Drove by a woman with her car broke down, I was going to stop and help until I remembered I don’t know anything about cars or women.
*friend you haven’t spoken to in years posts photos of their marriage*
wow thanks for the invite beth did our 6 weeks of drivers ed together mean nothing to u
My bf: can’t you give me a clue to where I put the car keys?
Me: The elephant crawls at midnight but the zebra lays down his tracks by the freeway.
If you’re forcing me to choose between you and my dream of making a sequel to the 1982 horror classic then you’ve got another Thing coming.
There was a cricket on my toilet seat so I just backed out awkwardly. Lock the door next time, bro.
Sock seller: sorry, no Christmas discounts
Centipede grandma: please I have 1 grandchildren
Facebook’s forever reminding me about people’s birthdays like I sell cakes😒😒.
I take my pants off like everyone else. Getting tangled in one pant leg, stepping on the other, tipping over & hitting my face on the door.
A wise man once told me, “Are you even listening?”
“Nothing wins you an election better than noise pollution.” – Political rallies.
super glad this box of pasta says “store in a cool dry place” because i usually keep all of my groceries in a bog
Heard a young person say that if you’re over 40, your bedtime should be before 10. I was immediately offended until I realized mine is 9:45
Her: I’m having a dry party.
Me: Sorry, I’m busy.
Her: You don’t even know when.
Me: You don’t even know me.
me: return of the mack.
cashier: receipt of the mack?
Being a parent to a preteen daughter is fun bc sometimes they’re mad at you for not letting them get a phone but other times they’re even more mad at you for not…[checks notes]…letting them get a pet venomous snake
It would have sucked so bad for all those passengers when they realized they were on the Titanic
Me: What do you think of my tweets?
Wife: They’re all pretty terrible.
Me: Don’t you have ANYTHING positive to say?
Wife: You’re consistent.
Person: Would you like to eat 6 string cheeses in a row?
Me: Naw.
Person: We deep fried em and there will be tomato sauce.
Me: Oh, ok, yes.
Just heard a British person call Oreos “chocolate sandwich biscuits” and I finally understand why the Revolutionary War had to happen.
What’s the point of making people like Paul McCartney and Elton John knights if they’re not going to joust?
I keep sending TikTok clips to 18 and she keeps ignoring them. Girl do you know how many handstands you made me watch in the pool? You owe me.