If we ever got together just know that I would totally shower and brush my teeth every day, even on holidays and weekends
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I wrote a screenplay
-No you didn’t
About our Savior
-Just stop
Opening Judea’s best ice cream shop
-Shut up
It’s Jesus Christ, Scooper Star
“The 59th rule of Fight Club is, we cant park in the lot on Vermont anymore – The owner is being a jerk. Just find street parking. 60th…”
*Runs fingers over Braille calendar*
Is this a date? It feels like a date.
fall is almost here time to pull out the flannel condoms
I can’t wait to jump on my kids’ beds at 5am on Mother’s Day, and holler “WHAT DID YOU GET ME?!?”
It’s nice to feel wanted. Even if it’s by the FBI.
[creating flamingos]
god: here’s your legs
flamingo: can I just have 1
god: no u have to use 2
flamingo: [narrows eyes & sucks teeth] we’ll see about that
Her: What are your desires?
Me: My desires are..[imagines having a talking Pug named Maurice that I watch Netflix with]…Unconventional.
eyes: what’s that
me with eye drops: nothing.
my lawyer wants me to turn myself into the police but I keep telling him impersonating a cop is what got me into trouble in the first place
If the Earth was really flat, all the cats would have pushed everything off it by now.
A good lawyer can generally cite a couple hundred laws off the top of their head and that’s still fewer rules than the games my 11 y/o invents and makes me play with her.
Walking into WalMart with my kids, “Remember, kids – use your Target voices.”
My CPR expires tomorrow. So if you plan to stop breathing, do it today
No coffin for me thanks. I want to be creamated and have my ashes stored in a nice Tupperware container.
Every time I bend over to pick something up, my husband magically appears behind me.
[job interview]
“any questions?”
yeah is it Pets Mart or Pet Smart?
“ma’am this is a bank”
I know but you seem like a man with some answers
Stop listening to amateur meteorologists on social media! Get your weather predictions from chonky dirt rodents this week like the good Lord intended.
Show him you care by leaving the message “I see you” on his bathroom mirror.
ME: *gets down on one knee*
HER: omg
ME: *gets down on both knees* whoa these muscle relaxers are awesome
[Scientific Conference]
Scientist 1: So science?
Scientist 2: *nodding* Science.
them: I like that filter on you
me: [doesn’t have snap but enjoys mounting butterflies directly to my head] th… thanks
What my girlfriend thought, first 4 dates:
1. Nice shirt.
2. Wow. A second nice shirt.
3. Okay, first shirt again.
4. He has two shirts.
More than 500 million planets in the Milky Way Galaxy are capable of supporting life.
Pick one and get out of my face.
Gary Numan is 13 days older than Gary Oldman. I don’t even know what to believe any more
My husband and I are co-counsel in trial today.
We already had an argument about who would drive to the courthouse.
This should be good.
Free him
Quick tip for people who use mobile telephones:
If you’re tired of throwing away phones every time your battery dies, check out “phone chargers”. It’s a device that restores your phone’s battery. I recently invested in one and now I no longer need to buy a new phone every day
[job interview]
“Do you have any addictions or habits that we should know about?”
*takes long drag from cigarette*
Not that I’m aware of.
Recently in Miami, I was so excited to see my wife and 8YO on the jet ski, for the first time. I screamed, shouted and kept waving at them. When they came back, I realized I was cheering a wrong family the whole time