Her : Let me see your big stuff baby.
Me: *sends a pic of my bills*
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train me.
no.
train me.
okay.
training montage.
the big fight.
i’m glad you trained me.
i’m glad i trained you.
#everyboxingmovie
Little known Chinese proverb – He who walks barefoot in a dog’s backyard will be sorry
*Arrives at ticket stall with my girl* Me: Two tickets to the movie please. Attendant: For The Hobbit? Me: No, that’s my girlfriend.
Password security questions be like: What’s your middle name? Why are you single? What’s wrong with your big toe?
Brain: If we leave now we’ll be on time for once.
Body: Ten more minutes then.
A cemetery foreman discovers that his employees cremated a body he explicitly told them to bury.
“You’ve made a grave mistake!” He fumes.
Mom: Did we pack everything? The stupid baby monitor?
Dad: Ugh I hate that annoying dumb thing!
Tiny Monitor Lizard: Ok wow I’m right here
Bank robber: Follow my instructions and no one gets hurt.
Me: Okay.
Bank robber: Empty the safe and put it in the bag!
Me: Put the empty safe in the bag?
Bank robber: Do you want me to draw my gun?
Me: Okay. I’ll get you a pencil.
So Mother Theresa puts a dish towel on her head and she’s a “saint” but when I put a dish towel on MY head I’m “drunk in the kitchen again?”
Caught my kid forging my signature and I have to say, pretty good for a third grader
Leonardo Dicaprio is like driving in a school zone. You don’t go above twenty-five.
My face is permanently frozen into this scowl. You were right, Grandma.
Parenting is easy once you learn the secret. For the love of god, please tell me the secret.
If it’s the thought that matters, I had a shower today 😉
girls w long ass hair love to cut three inches off and be like “i love my short hair omg it’s so short”
My kid: You know what I’m thinking??
Me: [sigh] If I say yes, do you still have to tell me?
Me: no way you could see that with your naked eye
7yo: *shocked* my eye is not naked
Word puns may make me numb but math puns make me number.
“I sold my hair to buy you a watch chain!”
“we said we werent doing gifts what the hell why did you sell your hair i didnt get you anything”
You can’t make this shit up 😩
(photo not mine, nor is the pooh)
Pronounces ‘daughter’ like ‘laughter’
[town square in a thunderstorm]
Galileo: Thunderbolt and lightning very very frightening me.
His mom: Gallileo! Galileo!
Galileo Figaro!! *hands him an umbrellaGalileo: magnifico!! *gets big hug from mom*
Galileo: mama mia, mama mia let me go *looking around embarrassed*
If she’s your girlfriend why is she leaning over the side of the boat to touch me in a way she will never touch you?
Friend: Let’s get together! What’s your calendar look like next week?
Me: Same picture of a dog on it till next month
A world war 2 bunker with fake air vent
I find it hilarious that this ant is pretending like he doesn’t care that I can kill him with one finger. Yea okay, keep walking tough guy.
Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women and they want us to make the first move.
Thanksgiving implies that we spend 99.7% of the year ungrateful…
…speaking for my kids, this checks out.
[before humans were invented]
animals: this is nice
[Commercial for babies]
*100 year old woman trying to feed a brick a bottle of milk*
“There’s got to be a better way”