This will be my last writing as I’ve just entered IKEA with my family.
Tell my story.
No, not that one.
No, not that one either. Why would I want you to tell people about my time in a Turkish prison with a pregnant meerkat? Idiot.
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If you watch the Mighty Ducks backwards it’s about a hockey team that starts sucking so bad that the coach leaves and becomes an alcoholic.
[using a dust pan for the first time]
Me: honey, how long until this dirt is cooked
When a guy asks “should I use a condom?” I like to reply “I would if I were you” Makes them think…
Sorry my ringtone of NSYNC’s Bye Bye Bye went off during the funeral
Me: We are a team.
Husband: Yes.
Me: We are in this together.
Husband: OK.
Me: It’s you and me.
Husband: Sure. But are we watching this whole show together, or am I going to find you’re 2 seasons ahead of me by next week?
Me: Us against the… Yes, that’s going to happen.
Caesar: Et tu, Brute?
Brutus: We told you not to wear Crocs.
Want to annoy the man in your life? Pronounce MMA “mama”.
This Independence Day please remember that fireworks are not a toy, they are meant to be aimed at the nearest British ship.
A fun thing to do on a first date is to slip into conversation that you were homeschooled then immediately be baffled by a fork.
Most of my upper body strength comes from trying to push a grocery cart through the store with 3 kids hanging on it.
My hobby is misidentifying dinosaurs so my daughter can correct me
[cops showing wife my body]
“Why is he 50m from where he got shot?”
“Our best guess was he tried crawling home to clear his browser history”
My horoscope was so wrong today I’m beginning to doubt the science behind this life planning tool.
‘Wouldn’t you like a butterscotch?’
‘Sure, just hold the butter.’
Flight attendant: Is there a Dr. on this flight?
Dad: that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Maybe you can flippy Mctwisty him back to health
Me: Dad, there’s an emergency
Dad: use your “always special” cheat code
Me: But we’re in first class and I paid for our flight
Doctor: he broke his legs saving a baby from a house fire
Wife: what really happened?
Me: I thought the cat was trying to teach me parkour
him: is it true you eat 8 spiders a night
me: yeah they say most people do
him: but they’re usually asleep
me (crunching): semantics semantics
him: you have a leg hanging out of your mouth
The airport is a lawless place. 7am? Drink a beer. Tired? Sleep on the floor. Hungry? Chips now cost $17
Today, I want to talk about petting a cat with wet hands and why that’s no good for your hands or the cat.
Me: Can u send me those documents?
Coworker: Yes, but u can actually get them by–
Me: Nope, don’t try teaching me to fish. Not interested.
[cat hospital]
Cat Nurse: Let’s get you prepped for surgery. *licks patient all over*
My teenage son says that fanny packs are back in style at his high school. I HAVE BEEN WAITING FOR THIS MOMENT MY ENTIRE LIFE!
It’s not cheating. Or money issues. Leaving drawers and cabinets open is the true test of a marriage.
i asked my mom why she was crying and she said because shes choping onions which is sad becuase as a young child she was adopted by onions
breaking: schrute farms has banned kanye, no beets for him.
Even the stick figure woman on my wife’s back window has a headache.
Batman-
See, kids?
Even one extremely wealthy white male can make a difference.
Don’t be mean to people. With the way the economy is going, you might have to eat those people and your anger is just going to make their meat all stressed out and stringy. Choose love.
*seasons greetings*
*eats greetings*
My ex-wife and I broke up over religious differences. I was agnostic and she was Satan.