[expensive restaurant date]
me: waiter, the William please
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can’t wait til they legalize outside
Sure kids are great but have you tried sleep?
I had a boyfriend once….right up until the moment my dad asked him “so what do you do?” and he replied your daughter.
He’s Dead.
they should invent a romcom where no one has to overhear anything that leads to a huge unnecessary misunderstanding
[Starts jogging]
Body: No.
The transplant surgeon was almost at the hospital when he realized that home was where the heart was.
I’m trying to explain myself less often because:
*two hour explanation of why I won’t be explaining myself anymore*
And that’s why I’m gonna be explaining myself less often.
trainer: Why are you here?
everyone else: To get fit!
me [with a mouthful of gummy bears] Mmfff
I have come up with the most awkward event of all time: the Father-Son wedding dance.
me: my back hurts
doctor: have you tried voting
Me to 5: Wow, you’re a real…a real pill.
*5 smiles
8: Uh, it’s not a GOOD thing to be called a ‘pill,’ you know.
5: Yes it is. Mommy loves pills.
Imagine having chills and then imagine those very chills multiplying. That’s what life is like for John Travolta
My super power is not uttering a word and yet still saying the wrong thing.
Sometimes I’ll purposely spill gravy
on my pants to give me an excuse
to leave early.
The real trick is sneaking the gravy
into church.
You wash your hands more now, sure, but it’s still been a year since you’ve cleaned your microwave.
[School Bus Driver Interview]
INTERVIEWER: What’s your greatest weakness?
GREEN LANTERN: {Don’t say the color yellow} Um…children
It’s not the fact that that we all swallow 8 spiders a year that gets to me. It’s the fact that 56 billion spiders a year make that choice.
My kid asked for help with her report but if I did it for her she won’t learn! So I showed how to google, change name, & print on her own.
Date: I’m not into public displays of affection
Me (trying to impress): I FIND THIS MAN GROTESQUE
Variety is the spice of life, until it comes to shower controls.
Do we still do thirst traps threads? I’m having a really good bellybutton day and it’s totally going to waste
Is there a bravery award I can nominate my son for as he managed to eat his toast despite the fact I cut it wrong.
Went to my uncle’s funeral today open bar pretty good food but my uncle was dead 3/5 stars
You’re the apple of my eye.
The grape of my elbow.
The lemon of my foot.
The banana of my hair.
My sweet hair banana.
Can’t believe my ‘Eat everything you want and hope for a miracle” diet is not working!
You fight a boss in a video game and it’s “acceptable,” but you fight your boss at your job and it’s “termination” and “likely a lawsuit.”
Wife just fell off the bed and I laughed so hard that I’ll be sleeping on the couch tonight.
*fingerpaints your nude portrait using a can of Easy Cheese*
The chips I’m eating are labeled “Harvest Cheddar,” a name which is forcing me to reconsider what I thought I knew about cheese production
I’m 6 doughnuts away from being the elephant in the room.