Cute cat
“Thanks. We dont let him in though cause he shreds”
You mean sheds?
“No” [gestures to cat shredding to Van Halen on the back patio]
You Might Also Like
[on game show]
Choose a door for a goat or a new car
“I’ll take door #2”
You’ve won the car!
*sees it’s a Kia*
“Can I have the goat instead”
Here’s where I leave the earth for good.
Not to brag, but Panera said I’m worth a treat so it’s good to know I’d go for at least $2 on the Panera black market.
We have to ban straws to keep them out of the ocean, because a shark with a mouthful of straws can drain a human of blood in seconds.
It turns out that the Circle of Life doesn’t mean a donut, I’m so confused.
Here’s a poem in the shape of a Christmas tree. It’s called ‘Needles’.
One cake enters. No cake leaves.
Please disregard what I said in an earlier tweet. Just learned the ducks in the park are not “free ducks” and you’re NOT allowed to take one
I’m fat, but not accidentally give birth in the Walmart bathroom because I didn’t know I was pregnant, fat.
Ladies, if you think being clumsy is cute, I once stabbed my date in the gums with a fork trying to feed her a bite of spaghetti
My shower curtain always knows when I need a hug.
There are going to be a lot of drunk mosquitos tonight.
In Scotland, we stop doing the accent when you guys aren’t around.
16: If you could pick your own pronouns, what would they be?
Me: Well, I can and I choose cheesecake.
16: Cheesecake isn’t a pronoun.
Me: Yes, but everyone loves cheesecake.
16: Exactly, pick something else.
My Medical Emergency Contact is a girl from college who promised she’d pluck any stray hairs off my face if I slipped into a coma.
Welcome to your 50’s… you can now fall asleep sitting up on the couch at any given moment.
CONDUCTOR: all aboard!
ME: i’m pretty bored
CONDUCTOR: no, i meant everyone on the train
ME: oh, i’m sure they’re bored too
Wonder Woman 2: Wonder Woman goes to Costco. She pulls apart 2 shopping carts that are stuck together. Costco shoppers amazed. Roll credits.
I didn’t realize 80% of song lyrics were inappropriate until I had to listen to them in the car with my kids.
The biggest lie in advertising is someone taking a bite of a hard shell taco & it not immediately exploding in their hands.
My laugh is like what you’d hear if a hyena and seal were mating and it wasn’t going very well.
Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, But don’t bite any other hands either because that is how diseases are spread.
Best Buy: What’s your street name? Me: FUNK MASTER FERG bia bia! Best Buy: No, the name of your street.
just saw a bunch of tourists take a selfie with a bunch of cops. this is why we must ban tourism
We take our 40% off sale seriously at
Life of an Editor:
I just sat here for a good minute or so going, “Goatfully? That can’t be it. What’s the word I’m looking for? STOP saying ‘goatfully,’ brain!”
It was “sheepishly,” folks.
Boss: Our toilet is fixed.
M: I can stop pooping at ur house.
B: You’re using the bathroom at my house?
M: There’s a bathroom at ur house?
I got my husband to marry me 51 days after we met. Today is our 20th Anniversary and I think he’s still wondering what the hell happened.
Me: I’m on social media because I want attention.
Scammers: Hi!
Me: Not like that.
banana bread: bc I’ve got almost $0.08 worth of rotting bananas I don’t want to waste, so I’m going to use $10 of other ingredients