I talk a lot of smack for someone who believes the plane will tip over if you stand up midflight.
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When life gives you lemons, worship the elder Gods. Take candy from a baby. Drink from a trough of blood. Who cares? None of this matters
Husband: Your too much of a perfectionist. I want a divorce.
Me: (through tears)”you’re”
Forcing my general contractor to dig his own grave. He says he can be done by May, maybe June. Depends on some other jobs.
i left 11 and 8 at home to run down the street to get tacos. when i came back 8 was out in the yard (3 acres) clipping the grass with tiny scissors. exactly what a drunk person would do.
I just got invited to a zoom baby naming ceremony. If I wasn’t a part of the baby making ceremony I don’t want to be a part of naming it.
There were things in the big “I got scammed” piece that I think I’d have fallen for and things I think I wouldn’t have, but if an ostensible law enforcement officer tells me I cannot get a lawyer I am getting a Triple Deluxe Lawyer
Me: Gluten Morgen!
Wife: You made waffles, didn’t you?
Me: *in my breakfast lederhosen* Ja!
Quick reminder that the Twilight saga is about the classic teen angst of choosing between bestiality and necrophilia
Luggage is like children. If you leave the airport with two out of three suitcases you did alright.
A funny thing about the Heimlich Maneuver is that it’s impossible to pronounce if you’re choking.
me: thanks for letting me work from home
boss: *turns off shower* I meant your home
the only difference between a hoarder and a collector is the smell
Me: I know exactly what’s wrong with me, Doctor.
Dr: I told you no Google. You Googled, didn’t you?
Me: NO!
Dr: <blink>
Me: One TINY Google.
How many boats could Lisa Kudrow row if Lisa Kudrow could row boats?
me *choking*
cat [annoyed] Trying to sleep here
ME: I need to pee really bad
TEACHER: can you hold it?
ME: probably not. my hands aren’t very good at retaining liquid
If I apply for a job at the railroad,
will they expect me to already know how to do the job
or will they train me?
Turned off my lights for “earth hour”. I’ve never had so many other cars honking at me.
[first date]
me: are you a reader?
date: omg i love reading
me: [handing her my menu] thank god
That moment when you see candid pics of yourself, taken from behind while out walking and it just confirms you look like a giant chicken nugget propped up on two waffle cones.
Mind: I still feel like a 20 year old…
Body: LOL.
Interviewer: Name some of your weaknesses.
Me: I procrastinate. Haphazard, cantankerous…
Interviewer: Strengths?
Me: Vocabulary?
Your honor, may I approach the bench?
“You may.”
*walks up to bench*
*boops judge’s nose*
40% of my vocabulary consists of words that I inventaciously creatified.
If you ever have doubts about whether people are stupid, ask a tattoo artist what they’ve had to refuse to do for a customer
At my funeral –
The pastor: “She was truly an angel that fell from heaven”
My ex, whispering to my other ex: “So was Lucifer!”
National Ex Spouse Day fell in the middle of Serial Killer Week, coincidence?
You say you’re a stoner?
Name every stone then
Oh the things that I’d do* to that man
*stand in the corner awkwardly and hope he notices me and thinks I’m cute
[job interview]
BOSS: biggest weakness?
ME: I never know when to quit
BOSS: that’s ok, ur hired
ME: I quit