Idea: Eels. Exactly the same storyline as Cats but they’re all eels.
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push came to shove, and that’s when he realized that he was in a mosh pit
I think LGBT sounds too much like a sandwich.
[At a San Francisco Dance Club]
*Grinds cute girl in a mini-skirt*Hey baby, what’s your name?
“Robert”
Penguin 1: Let’s stay in tonight.
Penguin 2: I didn’t dress like this to stay home.
Squirrel having fun.. 😅
I try not to snack at night, but the cheese in my fridge haunts me. What if I die in my sleep and NO ONE EATS IT?
“let the meat rest for 5 minutes after cooking” wtf it doesn’t need a rest just been sitting there in the oven for an hour
me: 7’s favorite toy eats batteries like crazy
husband: *laughs* that’s funny, yours does too-
me:
husband: I’ll go get more batteries
Cats are not as loyal as dogs are. But at least they won’t tell the police where the bodies are….
Don’t have your phone number posted on FB if you don’t want me calling you at 3am drunk asking for the recipe of that cobbler you posted.
Cake!!
Was feeling really good about myself after an attractive man smiled at me on the elevator at work and told me I smelled great. Until I got to my desk and realized. Gentle reader, I had a sausage McMuff in my laptop bag.
Doctor: I’m sorry but you’re not healthy enough for sex
Me: Hey man I have not been your patient for 3 years can you please stop calling me
(Watching him change a flat tire)
Him: Grab the jack. We’re gonna need it
Me: We sure will
(Hands him the bottle)
Him: The CAR jack
When I think about you, I touch myself.
In the face.
With my fist.
THERAPIST: Whatever you say will stay inside these 4 walls
ME: A ghost
THERAPIST: What?! Why [looks round, scared] why would you do that?!
That’s me in the corner eating beef gravy with a fork
Parents *before their kids performance*: Here, snort these four lines of organic sugar
I’d have an extra 16 hours of free time every single day if I lost my phone!
[electric chair]
“Any requests for your final minutes?”
“Yeh, I want the last episode of Lost explained.”
*acquitted on a technicality
I’ve got an aggressive turkey named Winston. While he was in the outside run, I went into the coop to fix the tray on his food dish. The wind blew the door shut and the latch is locked from the outside.
If you don’t hear from me again notify Stephen King of this novel idea.
Rich People Podcasts are wild.
They say old habits die hard…
My ex was an old habit, here’s to hoping.
Which essential oil is best for getting people to stop talking to you
Some people won’t try bacon for religious reasons. I won’t try religion for bacon reasons.
i just found that children’s tylenol is made for children, not out of children, and i feel relieved. but that could just be the tylenol…
thought we’d see more kids named goku by now
I’d enjoy therapy a lot more if it included cocktails and a light snack.
Once, I had a dream so bad I threw away the pillow.
If I was a ghost, I’d write “Happy Birthday” in blood on your wall for your birthday, cuz you may be cursed, but it’s still your birthday.