someone trained 10 dogs to jump rope together and I can’t train 2 kids to sit and stay during dinner
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We DNA tested our dog and it turns out he killed a guy in Toledo in ‘79
Me: sobbing because Antie died in “Honey, I Shrunk The Kids”.
Also me: two cans of Raid in hand, chasing one single ant across the house.
Server: What kind of sauce do you want for your pasta?
15: The tears of my enemies…
Kids are fun.
Grapefruit juice tastes like orange juice that just found out it has to work on it’s day off.
I’m vegan now but I’m still gonna eat eight spiders a year on cheat days
Me: Which dress looks elegant but not like trying too hard, this or the other one?
16: It’s not the dress, it’s the woman wearing it.
Me: 😊
16: So you’re pretty much screwed, I don’t know what to tell you.
Went on a date and the guy asked me my blood type. That’s normal right?
*Puts lock box on kidneys*
The easiest way to get over someone is with a steamroller.
Attention: Due to inflation, people like you are now a dime and a nickel a dozen.
I suck in my stomach when I weigh myself like my scale will be all “oh she’s much thinner than I thought, I’ll adjust the numbers.”
Me: I think it’s time to get rid of that beard.
Beard: Dude?! I’m like right here!
Me: Yeah, you becoming self-aware is part of the problem.
Nothing says you’re failing as an Asian like your waiter discreetly handing you training chopsticks.
I got 50 ghost emojis from a dude on a dating app once because I said I didn’t think we had much in common after a couple dates. I don’t think that’s how ghosting works, pal.
3: I hit you in the head with the shovel
me: um, no thank you
3: it’s ok. I’ll be gentle
Omg Brad Pitt just followed me! How does he only have 14 followers?!?!
*at the movie theater* umm ok the hackers also said theyd do a terror unless u giv me unlimited free popcorn and uh.. also that guys popcorn
Wife: [eats hotdog, spills mustard & relish on her blouse]
Me: HELLO TEMPTRESS
“Son do you know how to tell if a pineapple is ripe?”
*throws pineapple against grocery store wall*
“Ah nuts that was a good one.”
Making fun of bands that only play 3 chords when I don’t even know what a chord is.
[Stick Insects Anonymous]
Group Leader: “There’s no easy way of saying this. But I believe one of you may be a plant.”
Me: am I pretty?
Cat: I mean compared to what?
Me: never mind
As an ex-smoker, if I’d known back then just how many balloons I’d be expected to blow up in later years, I’d have thought twice about ever having kids.
The Award for Best Actor goes to my husband for his role in “I’m Not Sleeping. I’m Just Resting My Eyes.”
I SAID YES!!! 😍😍😍😍😍💍💍💍💍 ❤️❤️❤️❤️ someone asked if I was alone for valentine’s day!!!
“That chicken died for you” – how I get my kids to eat chicken
Well, I’m going to take a hot shower. Its like a regular shower, but with me in it.
I’ve decided that bringing a condom to a gunfight wasn’t the smartest choice for protection.
waiter: *murdering me*
me: [after ordering the not getting murdered] no no this is fine
No wonder King Charles’s visit to France was cancelled amidst violent protests about retirement age legislation. A working 74-year-old royal just sends out the wrong message.
Me: *In kitchen loudly eating carrots.
Dog: *Asleep in bedroom
Me: *In pantry, munching on Oreos.
Dog: *Loudly snoring in bedroom
Me: *Opens fridge, looks at steak.
Dog: *Already sitting expectantly next to me.