Son: Dad, is cousin Billy a mosquito?
Me: In Alabama?
S: Yeah.
M: Of course not. Why do you ask?
S: Mom said he was the product of insects.
You Might Also Like
The trick to falling asleep is putting your phone down. Unfortunately, that’s not a risk I’m willing to take.
Sorry I used the word flaccid twice in your wedding toast.
[1st day as a dr]
macgyver: nurse i need two bobby pins and a rubber band
nurse: ahh we dont have those
macgyver: jesus christ then a cup of goats milk and a used battery
nurse: umm how about a scalpel?
macgyver: *rubs forehead* damn thats a long shot but it might just work
I’m happy with it shorter, the ladies seem to like it that way.
-me to my barber
Which essential oil is best for getting people to stop talking to you
I’m gaining weight for my role as “‘Before’ picture”
Who called them “homo erectus'” and not… Wait, that’s actually pretty funny. Good job guy who named them “homo erectus'”
Botany good plants lately?
Next time you see someone you don’t like, begin conversation with “I see the assassins have failed.”
Me: dance like no one’s watching!
Them: but not naked in the freezer aisle with a frozen turkey to ‘do they know it’s Christmas’!
Tinder date: Do you have any religious beliefs?
Me: *Motions vaguely in the direction of the refrigerator*
Remember: It’s not stalking if you don’t see me.
I’m not a narcissist.
But If I was, I would be the best one there ever was.
I won’t take any criticism on this
HOW MANY ANTS HAVE YOU HAD TONIGHT, SIR?
The Lion King is my favorite movie about how having a karate wielding monkey can completely change your life.
Get in loser we’re going crying
Him: Your hands are as soft as a turtle’s armpit!
Me: We have to breakup.
Well, this explains it:
Am I original?
-Yeaaah.
Am I the only one?
-Yeaaah.
Do you wanna build a snowman?
-Go away, Anna.
Ok byyyyye.
I nominate Chris Brown to dump a bucket of boiling hot water on himself & to raise awareness for domestic violence.
My daughter waking me up at 6:30am to straighten her hair for her, and then her climbing back into bed and going back to sleep, is my villain origin story.
“You know a lot of people think you built the pyramids”
The alien trying to abduct me:
why do you have so much Mayonnaise in your fridge
MyFitnessPal:
“If every day were like today, in 5 weeks, you’d weigh…”
ONE METRIC TON!!
As I was driving, some stranger yelled “what’s your problem lady?”
So I was honest, I said I drink too much and I can’t stop eating chips.
A welcome mat is a gateway rug.
I love the smell of a camp fire. It reminds me of the night we kille….
…..I just love smell of campfires.
FACEBOOK: yo remember ur ex from 2 years ago? look at this photo of u together
ME: facebook no
FACEBOOK: k heres ur dog who died 5 years ago
#FF @funTweeters. Killing me wonly!
*flashlight under chin*
Me: And then the accountant told her how many more years she had to work until retirement.
*all the adults scream*
Me: Alexa, make me a drink.
Her: Mom, that’s not my name and I think you’ve had enough.