When my wife got her tongue pierced I asked her why? She said To enhanthe the thektual thimulation.
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I remember when I could put my shoes on standing up and had that one legged balancing act perfected. It was one Saturday back in 1994, but I remember it.
How do stick men play fetch with their dog?
I’m an asshole, but not “jogs in place at intersections, waiting for the light to change,” asshole.
[trying to sneak a water bottle through security]
TSA agent: Good evening sir
Me: Nothing
‘Come over,’ she begged. ‘I need you right now!’
‘Just turn it off and on again,’ he sighed.
He hated these late night rebooty calls.
I remember my first time at a mic. “Cleanup on aisle 5” & “Price check-Advil” were two early bits that really seemed to resonate with folks.
My neighbor is power washing his driveway for the third day in a row so to make him stop I’m sending over a marriage counselor.
I cannot picture a single instance where I’d be scared of a zombie called “Rob”
What’s he gonna do? Show up uninvited to brunch and make us wonder if he’ll be rude to the server again?
Ok fella, maybe you can scare me into buying your over priced insurance policies this time.
I bought new running shoes. They look really good while I sit outside and smoke
It sucks you can’t google something happening in your life. What does my neighbor Derek do for work
Every single time I mow my lawn my neighbor starts mowing his within ten minutes. Do I have a rival dad? Is this war?
My teen isn’t feeling well and WebMD says imminent death but Google classroom says imminent math test.
“I’m more night hamster than owl,” I say, pushing another wad of food into my cheek pouch at 2:00am.
I bet the other causes of death are jealous of the number one cause
[sees kid crying in grocery store]
hey little guy
[kneels down to his level]
Can you please move you’re blocking the Cinnamon Toast Crunch?
I can’t really explain it, but the second half of the alphabet is more exciting than the first.
I just fell flat on my face outside and made a reverse snow angel trying to get up
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because my tires look like donuts?
Cop: Get out
What did the Wise Men say after presenting their gold and frankincence???
Wait, there’s myrrh!!!
Calories don’t count if they’re connected to a celebration. Everyone knows this.
her: i’m a cat person
me:
her:
me: name one part of u that’s cat, Becky
I’m at my most optimistic when I believe I can cancel a free trial subscription before it expires.
*me filing for unemployment*
Unemployment office: be sure to call back between 11am-3pm as those are our hours
Me: so you’re only open 4 hours
Unemployment Office: yes any other questions
Me: yes how do I work at the unemployment office
When cows do it, it’s Reverse Girlcow
You never say “I love you” back
Tater tots:
Two things Twitter cultivates and encourages:
1. instant gratification
2. sense of impatient entitlement
3. misunderstanding of basic math
I hate it when people try to use big words when they clearly don’t know their meaning. It makes them sound so gelatinous and isosceles.
Me: Can we talk?
Carmen: *hot gluing fruit to a plate and placing it on her head* This is my Samba hat.
Me: Pretty. Look, I’m really worried about you.
Me (sniffling, blubbering): and then he told me to give him my lunch money
Manager: Is this true
Waiter: I just gave him the check
Inventor of the toaster:
How about something that makes bread warm and crunchy, but also doubles as a murder weapon?