If you can get the pronouns right for a boat you can get them right for a person
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Why aren’t more people mating with scientists? It’s like they don’t even want to bring dinosaurs back.
“Relax,” Arthur thought to himself, “you’re just being paranoid.”
You guys, I seriously never ask for prayers but this is an emergency. There is a rumor that Red Lobster might be closing. Pray. Pray hard.
In the beginning God said, “let there be light,” and my dad said, “my electric bill is going to be through the roof; do you think I’m made of money?”
Imagine falling in love and getting married in space only to return to earth to find out what you each really look like with gravity.
There should be shopping carts available in the middle of the grocery store for people like me who thought they’ll be able to carry their stuff but eventually have to admit that they can’t.
1. gather ’round, young-uns, whiles I tellya bout how yer momma & I met, and also practice this genteel old-timey accent
COP: License and registration.
BATMAN: I’m Batman.
COP: License, please.
BATMAN: I’m Batman.
COP: I’m not gonna ask again.
BATMAN: I’m Bat-
COP: Alright, hands on the car.
BATMAN: Batmobile.
*I describe my lost cat to the cops*
Sketch Artist: *draws my cat*
Detective Dog: *adds WANTED DEAD OR ALIVE beneath the picture*
What do you mean I can’t change the past?
*logs on to Wikipedia*
Engineer: quick open up the coal gate, we need to vent the burner!
Me: *opens toothpaste* how is this supposed to help?
Engineer: The door on the coal burner you stupid fu-
[train explodes]
i wonder how many time-travelers accidemtaly went back in time instead of forward but then saw a knight & thought “wow look at this robot!!”
HOW DO I CONVINCE EVERYONE THAT I’M NOT UPSET SOMEONE STOLE MY CAPS LOCK KEY?
Sorry sir, I don’t do colonoscopies until at least the fourth date, maybe the second sometimes.
Pro tip: Sleep and nap with gloves on, so they can’t unlock your iPhone with your fingerprints.
did you know you can cancel plans by simply saying “sorry. can’t. i have an avocado that’s ripe.” total legal. even if it’s not true.
I feel like things started going downhill when phones stopped being born with umbilical cords.
it’s so beautiful today i think i’ll take my ps5 outside
The healthy food in my fridge should be grateful really. It survives much longer than everything else.
Sorry I was late for geometry class, I got on the rhombus
The term “baby steps” is so offensive to babies. If you’re a baby, taking a step is the most impressive thing you’ve ever done.
Me: You’re going to daycare today
3: Okay
Me: We’re almost at daycare
3: Okay
Me: We’re at daycare
3: *bursts into tears*
Me: Why are you crying?!
3: I didn’t know I was going to daycare
When a ladybug is orange. Must be laundry day.
In conclusion, members of the board, I’m sorry I brought the wrong USB, & thank you for your feigned interest in my sesame street PowerPoint
[Bath & Body Works]
Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
Clerk: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here.
Clerk: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen
“Daddy, why do dogs need whiskers?”
-my 7-year-old son, while discreetly holding scissors in one hand and dog whiskers in the other
“Still too cold… Still too cold…”
“Screw it, I can’t be late again.”
Yea…sure! I was hoping someone would come and stand uncomfortably close to me today
I decided to watch The Conjuring alone in a dark apartment and now I’m not allowed to make my own decisions anymore.
It’s hard to look like a badass when you’re slurping on a strawberry smoothie.