Some of us just had a bee in our shirt and we weren’t actually KungFu fighting.
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i didn’t think at 41 i would be saying “but please don’t tell my parents” as often as i do
I love my in laws but sometimes it’s hard with the language barrier, like today they said they were taking the kids all day and I thought they meant they were taking the kids all day
my 4yo has started saying the phrase “calm down” and it works as well on me as it does on him
The chick at this circus just swallowed a sword and I saw a guy elbow his woman like “see?…”
Me: Remember, you’re grounded today.
8-year-old: Why?
Me: For what you did last night.
8: You were supposed to forget about that.
i wanna smoke whatever the people who got hype about seeing a bird and a plane before they realized it was superman were smoking
So crazy to think that a group of ninjas could be fighting right next to me and I’d never know
Great British Bake Off but you pair every contestant with a 3-year-old who really wants to help.
This year, teach your kids the true meaning of Easter by trapping them in a stone tomb for three days.
I strike a fierce pose for the camera, then another, and another.
“Can…can you just stand still?” the x-ray technician asks sadly.
[THE INVENTOR OF FLIP FLOPS]
What if you could clap with your feet?
I don’t mind the thought of guardian angels watching over me. I just want them to stop giggling when I shower.
9: The remote isn’t working
me: Did you smack it?
9: Yep
me: Did you push the button down really hard?
9: Yep
me: Well I’m out of ideas
My 5-year-old was pretend playing and she said to herself, “I’m super old, I’m 36” And I sent her to her room because the disrespect.
When I joined the ski patrol, I had only one mission in mind: fighting crime on ski slopes. I left quietly soon after.
*Batman receives electric bill for Bat Signal*
“ALFRED WE’RE GETTING IPHONES.”
*watching a cop walk past during drug deal*
ok relax, just be cool.. “bonjour mademoiselle how much of le methamphetamine dost thou fancy”
When you haven’t shaved in a while and your leg hairs sway better in the breeze than your neighbour’s stupid windchime
Arnold Schwarzenegger’s Terminator is a drapery salesman in the new movie.
His new catchphrase?
“I’ll be back….with some swatches I think you’re just going to LOVE.”
Wife: [on phone]
Me: Who are you calling?
Wife: The fire department.
Me: Why?
Wife: I need a permit to light your birthday candles.
WAITER: what can I get you?
ME [noticing a man rubbing his stomach heartily]: ooh I’ll have what he’s having
WAITER: right away sir *starts rubbing my belly*
Note to future self:
Tequila is a liar.
You do not sound exactly like Axl Rose & the people at karaoke will not catch you if you stage dive
I understand that t-shirt guns exist but what about shooting pants at people? This seems useful too
Nobody ever told me that this was an option.
me: “no ill just have it here thanks”
bartender: [looks at my wife then back at me]
wife: “on the rocks means with ice keith”
My mother-in-law said that we should stay an extra day if it’s too snowy to drive.
SOMEONE LEND ME A SALT TRUCK.
This is one for those who have seen certain US TV commercials. 😂
Imagine trying to explain Captain America: Civil War to Abraham Lincoln.
I just found out that my mechanic doesn’t drive.