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Piers Morgan. RT @DavidPressman: Anyone else nude and crying?
I would like to officially apologize to my toddler for cutting her left pancake before I cut her right pancake, I don’t know what I was thinking
My autobiography will be a single piece of paper that says ‘Ugh’
“Yes mam that’ll be $1200”
“Just to remove a cassette tape that’s stuck?”
“Ma’m, it’s in your CD player”
Sure, Taylor Swift is a hero for performing in the rain, but have you ever waited for your dog to poop in a thunderstorm?
Playdates were invented to force parents to clean their home
Cop cars aren’t very intimidating. Add a crazy plow covered in blood, an anarchy symbol and spinning saw blades and I’ll stop in a heartbeat
When you’re 8 and show up in an ugly rubber witch mask to trick or treat with your friends and they’re all dressed up as pretty princesses.
That’s me in a nutshell.
We just got new neighbors and if they play their cards right I won’t know anything about them just like what’s-his-name that lived there before them.
I heard that #TheDress debate has already destroyed 18 relationships. These people probably shouldn’t be breeding anyway.
My kids left a toy broom, dust pan, and mop on the floor.
I’m impressed.
They managed to make a real mess while pretending to clean up a fake one.
Women shouldn’t work outside the home. It’s STEVE Jobs, not EVE Jobs.
Trainer: “ok, lets warm up 1st….wait, where are you going!?”
Me: “tanning bed”
Him: I lost my dog today at the company picnic!
Me: You should post something on FaceBook.
Him: My dog isn’t on FaceBook.
Me:
I had a boyfriend once….right up until the moment my dad asked him “so what do you do?” and he replied your daughter.
He’s Dead.
I don’t understand interventions. What’s the point of being told u drink too much by a room full of the reasons u drink in the first place?
Something extremely foolish must be done about all this.
Kids save all their deepest questions about the universe for when you’re singing along to a really good song in the car.
Someone called their dog “ugly” and I was not even prepared to fight a stranger today.
Either my 1 year old found the stash of markers or she head-butted a rainbow.
Grandma used the same wrapping paper for 25 years, so don’t tell me about the great ‘bargain’ you found.
When a pig loses his leg, wouldn’t it be a hamputation?
They say all good things must come to an end…
After 7 wonderful years of marriage…
I walked in on my wife…
Watching Twilight..
*thinks every animal is a type of dog*
*sees a cat* scratch dog
*sees a parrot* talk dog
*sees a worm* spaghetti dog
[Snow White accepts poisoned IPhone]
Android user: See?
Can’t, looking for my glasses in the dark while wearing them.
Not to brag but my boss gave me a certificate of achievement and he said it’s much more prestigious than a pay raise.
I’ll only go to your NYE party if I can bring a -1.
Like, I show up, pick a person, and then they have to go home.
Sloth 911: What’s your emergency
[1 week later]
Sloth: I’VE BEEN SHOT
[1 week later]
Sloth 911: DON’T MOVE! We’ll be there in a month
[shark tank]
Me: have u ever wanted to eat the luggage tag on ur bag after a flight
Mark cuban: no
Me: look no further