Two princes?
I’ll take the one that wants to buy me rockets.
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Ke$ha looks like a character I would select in Mortal Kombat
I’m surprised the sloths made it to the ark in time.
COWORKER: Hi, this is embarrassing. *whispers* can I borrow a tampon?
ME: Sure, just leave it on my desk when you’re done.
If I could pick a superpower it would be to clone myself so the other me could answer the 4,291,386 questions my 4 year old asks daily
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Lego man: Is it because I’m block?
“Im sorry, I’m just really uncomfortable around children,” she said.
“I understand that,” replied the obstetrician, “but I still need you to push.”
For years I struggled to recreate my grandmother’s recipes till I discovered that “tablespoon” in her recipe book didn’t actually mean tablespoon but referred to this random goddamn spoon she had in her kitchen & all the other measurements in there had similar logic
Me: Well, I lost 9 pounds.
Her: That’s great, hon! Where’s the baby?
Me: Let me repeat…
I don’t have a swear jar anymore, I have a swear barrel
Having another child is like finally learning how to juggle hacky sacks and someone throws in a bowling ball.
i wish jigglypuff was real imagine how well rested you could be all the time
When a cop opens the car door for you, promises you an overnighter and talks about bonding… you’re not on a date with him, you’re spending the night in jail.
I know this now.
I still close the bathroom door when I’m home alone bc I don’t want the murderer to break in and see me on the toilet.
One day, thousands of years from now, archaeologists will dig up my dead body and be like, “She’s been lying on top of the remote this entire time.”
if “Joker” had come out in 2020, it would be called “Normal Man”
With this onion ring, I thee fed
I will never fall victim to Groupthink. I have perfectly unique opinions that no one else has, and they are the dumbest bullshit you’ve ever heard
I just saw the movie “A star is born” and if you think it’s about the solar system you will probably be as mad as I am rn
Remember when I told you that joke about the chiropractor?
It was about a week back…
(Slaps knee!)
The sculpture of Amelia Earhart in the Burbank airport doesn’t give me that warm fuzzy feeling before flying.
Him: I bet she’s thinking about other guys
Me, deep in thought: I am personally offended that 7 tortilla chips is a serving size
I overheard office gossip about someone being an alcoholic but I’m too drunk to crawl off the floor too find out who.
Hey! Welcome to Urban Outfitters. Are you a baby-sized woman or a woman-sized man?
Recipe: prep 10 mins, bake 30 mins
Reality: prep 2.5 hours, bake 1 hour, order takeout instead.
Why does it jump from 2% milk all the way to whole milk?
Maybe I just want 47% milk…
“Enter passcode to use Touch ID” – then what is the point of you Touch ID that lives on my iPad? WHY ARE YOU SO SCARED?
Came home to find the couch had moved a few inches, and neither the dog nor the cat will look me in the eye now.
Last night, I fell asleep with one of those new e-cigarettes in my mouth.I woke up half an hour later and my whole house was on the internet
I pronounce LMAO as “Le Mayo”
Not one person has been eaten by sharks yet this week. Probably the worst Shark Week ever.