My neighbors have both a howling dog and a screaming baby out in their yard. I’d throw a rock or something but I’m afraid I’d hit the dog.
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I threw a ball for my dog.
Extravagant, I know.
But he looks amazing in a tuxedo.
Financial independence now means getting your kids to eat most of their meals at the neighbors house
Me: I was bitten by a Karen at Starbucks, will I become a Werekaren!?
ER Dr: No, we’ll just need to..
Me: I WANT TO SPEAK TO YOUR MANAGER!
dora: jeez we’re really lost
boots: dora i’m freezing
backpack: we need a fire
the map: what should we use to start it?
dora:
boots:
backpack:
the map: oh no
dora: *holding a lighter* this IS all your fault
A mosquito fell into my beer five minutes ago and now he’s naked and calling his ex-girlfriends and drinking my beer
CW: Aimee, could I get your signature on this agreement?
Me: *pauses*
(with Cheeto stained lips)
*kisses paper*
CW:
Me: That’s my signature.
We can put a man on the moon, but we can’t think of a less terrifying way to can biscuits
It says here on your resume that you’re “good at traps,” could you expand on that while I investigate this pile of leaves on the floor?
A guy with a sense of humor that matches mine will always get my attention.
[at the pearly gates]
I said, “send me a selfie.”
Then she said, “too ugly today.”
So I said, “never stopped you before”
…& here I am.
Me: I’m hot.
Husband: *turns on AC*
Me: I’m cold.
H: *turns off AC*
Me: I’m hot.
H: *jumps out of car*
Me: I can’t seem to lose weight
CW: Have you tried cutting back on your sugar intake
Me:*stirring coffee with snickers bar* What do you mean
My recipe for an upside-down cake is super easy:
1. Make a cake.
2. While carrying it, trip over the dog.
What if Capri Suns became self-aware and started stabbing us back?
Now that robots move their limbs smoothly and with grace, I wonder how we’re supposed to imitate them on the dance floor.
Imagine the conversations between
the fly on the wall and the elephant
in the room after everyone leaves.
Welcome to Yoga class. You’ll slowly ease into half splits, and then you’ll remain there for the rest of your life.
I totally don’t wanna work today but on the off chance that my boss looks at my twitter, I totes DO wanna work.
The best part of my kid graduating was unsubscribing from the school’s text messages.
All out of clean spoons so I guess I’ll just eat this fat free yogurt with my gun.
I wonder if Sallys parents were like “Yeah great idea Sally. Sell seashells. On the seashore. Where there are tons of free shells. Idiot.”
[Home Depot staff meeting]
BOSS: Someone has been breaking all the wood. Any idea who it is?
ME: [tightening my green karate belt] Probably someone pretty strong.
God: Oh heck, I dropped my newest spider in the ocean
Octopus: I’m cool with this, actually
Me: Sleeps three hours.
Brain: That’ll do.
Amidst a decrease in airfare prices, WestJet has hiked the cost of checked bags and Flair has added a new credit card fee. Thankfully, Air Canada has stepped up and is offering an additional 50% off of your legroom!
Who needs whips and chains? Christian should have had Ana read Fifty Shades of Grey if he wanted to torture her.
if you’re going to go around calling pets “fur babies” I’m going to call real kids “skin babies”
Grandma: can you call out the bingo numbers?
Me: idk i’ve never done it B4
Gma: holy shit you’re a natural
My kids each place a toy on the checkout counter and hand the cashier a few plastic gold coins from home. The cashier smiles, I give a wink. She gets on the speaker: “Security, register 4.” They are cuffed & arrested for using counterfeit money. Time to learn about consequences.
13yo forgot where she put her kindle and 9yo offered to help her find it, and my husband and I couldn’t stop laughing because those two can’t find anything.