Sometimes I want to kidnap a few woman for two to three weeks so that their eyebrows can grow without fear
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FRIEND: Can I ask for a favor?
ME: *yelling over my shoulder as I bolt away* YOU CAN ALWAYS TRY.
The cat treats me like a king. Constantly planning to kill me so he can take my place in the chair.
Me: ‘I’d like to cancel my gym membership.’
Clerk: ‘It doesn’t look like you even have one.’
Me: ‘I’m trying to be more proactive.’
[me as a snake handler]
Hi, I’m here to put handles on all your snakes.
I’m so thankful for the guy who pressed the crosswalk button 10x after watching me push it.
I bet his will be the winning push that saves the day.
I drink coffee because I don’t think I would do well going to prison for murder.
I forgot you cant make depression jokes outside of twitter lmao my coworker was like “you ready for this year to be over?” I was like “im ready for this life to be over” he was like bro what
I asked a friend if he’d eat a piece of dog crap for $1K and he asked “From whose dog?” I’m having a hard time accepting that as a factor.
For a moment I thought it was Saturday, but then I realized it’s actually Sunday. The good news is now I have a story to tell at parties
Twitter remains undefeated
The fridge drawer is marked “crisper” but it is pronounced “rotter.”
36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36? Haha. Only if she’s a giant caterpillar.
Nutritionist: if you can’t pronounce the first ingredient on the label, you shouldn’t eat it
Me: ok
[at grocery store]
Me: *reading label* k-kw-kwi
Clerk: quinoa
Me: definitely not eating that
Boyfriend walked into the bathroom as I was taking a tampon out.
He screamed: PLEASE SAY IT ISN’T LIT! I DON’T WANNA GO OUT LIKE THIS!
My kid was searching for her popsicle in her sleep and I’ve never felt closer to her
My ex has made me dinner..
*gives a bit to the dog first*
Lie about the gap in your resume. Tell them you had to help hobbits take a ring to Mordor or something
Sometimes I overhear a conversation and want to tell one of them to run
[being buried alive]
murderer: *out of breath* how are you eating the dirt so quickly
11: how large is Scotland Yard?
Me: a yard is 3 feet. So…
11: never mind, I will ask google.
My husband is a dentist now! At least he acts like one asking me questions while I’m very obviously brushing my teeth.
[walks into a laundromat with a bag of popcorn kernels and heads straight to the dryers]
*eats half a banana then stubs the bit that’s left in an ashtray*
The best natural phenomenon is when a species lovingly accepts an orphan of another species, like how my fries have accepted this onion ring
*Packing for a trip*
Maybe I’ll bring my workout gear. I mean I haven’t worked out in 5 years but I might start on this trip.
*walks into bank dragging one of those giant checks behind me*
*everyone claps & cheers*
*hands check over to teller*
Check is for $1.00
of course they’re your soulmate you only know 15 people
NEW DRINKING GAME:
1) Put on the new Twilight movie
2) When you press play, take 59 shots of vodka so you can die before it starts.
Everyone knows someone with a shelter dog that is 50% Chihuahua and 50% 8 other breeds that is calmer than any other dog in the world and lives to 25. Everyone likes them. The dog is always called like Squirt or something
Now that the government is in charge of sports betting, does that free up the mob to do like…high speed railway construction or universal healthcare?