Me, on the phone, in the middle of a story –
my dad: “All right, here’s your mother”
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I was sitting there getting my hair cut, when a spider ran across the floor.
And that’s how you accidentally get bangs.
Me: Can I get you a drink?
Her: I don’t know. Can you?
Me: *checking wallet* No.
*extreme announcer voice* Next up on Jesus The Real Truth: Was it crucifact or crucifiction
at the grampys, about to anounce who won the grampy award. open envelope. its grandpa!!! you did it congratulations
EMPLOYMENT AGENT: How did you get fired from your last job?
ME: I’m not going to lie, pretty easily.
5-year-old: I wish we all had infinity dollars
Me: That’d wreck the economy
5: I just-
Me: Go to your room until you understand inflation
Therapist: How do you two keep the romance alive?
Me: I left him a message in red lipstick on the bathroom mirror last night.
Husband: It said REDRUM.
I love rap beefs, it’s so romantic when two guys sing songs to each other
Me after a regular weekend: Back to the grind
Me after a 3-day weekend: How now shall I labor when I’ve grown accustomed to my rightful place among the leisure class
My wife is getting rid of all the clutter. If you see the kids and me standing out by the street, it means we didn’t make the cut this year.
Social media is one of the best things to ever happen to stupidity.
“It’s pretty neat how the laundry keeps washing and folding itself.”
-my family
This anagram machine is out of order.
Don’t make me mad or I will replace all your gummy candies with fiber gummies.
Three seasons into Game of Thrones, and I still can’t figure out why all the characters are named after psychiatric meds.
me: somebody stole a painting. they broke in, disabled the alarm–
detective: okay I got the picture
me: oh wow that was really fast
A young Lil’ Wayne sits alone typing lyrics into Word 97 when a cartoon paperclip suddenly appears on-screen.
[Did you mean “digger”?]
I just checked Web MD and I have everything
The waitress said they were out of pizza but then much later I saw a pizza come out to another table. (My super villain origin story)
[creation of snakes]
GOD: What happened here?
ANGEL: You said make them armless…
GOD: Harmless!
ANGEL: Ohhh
SNAKE: YOU IDIOTS!
Look, I respect the skill. But no.
I hate the number 7 like “ohh look at me I’m all prime and lucky ohhhh”. You’re just a wonky 1, grow up already
[Super soldier program]
SCIENTIST: We’ve given you an enhanced cybernetic arm.
ME: So I can take pies out of the oven without mitts.
SCIENTIST: More—more for killing people.
ME:
SCIENTIST:
ME:
SCIENTIST:
ME: But I can also—
SCIENTIST: Yes you can also use it for the pie thing.
[Jesus’ dating profile]
I love wine that’s made from water, taking long walks on the ocean and going to supper w my friends.
[Bar]
Her: I hate drinking alone.
Me: *downs shot glass of honey mustard* I prefer it.
*tosses incriminating letter into the fireplace*
ME: will someone please light a fire in this fireplace
One thing you learn how to quickly do as a parent is to pretend to not have any money when you walk by vending machines.
The closest thing I’ve had to a personal trainer is the ice cream truck that drove past my house.
Parenthood is stepping in something wet in your socks.
[gestures to the parents of a crying baby] shhhh, please. my foot’s asleep