[Amphibian Playground]
BULLFROG: look at all u lil toad nerds
TOAD: help! a BULLYfrog!
TEACHER SNAKE: i’ll handle this *eats everyone*
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Be nice to Canadians, American tweeters. We’re going to need somewhere to go after this next election
“I’ll never forget you Jack”
“Can I float on that wood too, Rose?”
“I’ll always remember you”
“Seems like there’s room for–”
“Goodbye Jack”
Relax, everything will be fine eventually, for like 7 people
She kept yelling “Choke!, Choke!” to me during sex.
So rude. Why would she want me to have a bad performance?
Honestly the Bible is pretty good for God’s first book
me: hey can we pick up my mom on the way to church
uber: sure
me: cool I’ll cancel the hearse
Agent: I have a script for you.
Daniel Radcliffe: Is it weird?
Agent: Yes.
Radcliffe: I’ll do it.
when the moon is out in the middle of the day it’s like oh no they called you in on your day off
[my first day as a financial investor]
“I’m going all in on this Acme Corporation. Anybody want a piece?”
they really said video games would melt our brains when it was actually watching the news that did it
Wife: Today seemed to go much smoother with you and the kids at home. I wonder why?
Me: I think it’s called Stockholm Syndrome.
Ichabod Crane in the streets the headless horseman in the sheets
Me: I somersaulted down a hill yesterday, just like in the movies, it was so crazy
Angel: yes that’s why you’re here
Took my 4-year-old to an amusement park and she loved one of the rides. She will not stop asking when she gets to ride the escalator again. Money well spent…
I haven’t said a single truthful thing on here since I became the King of Sweden.
It’s Friday after 2, setting automatic replies in outlook to just say “Chimichanga” with no further explanation.
Oh boy, it’s that time of election year when all the politicians start wearing jeans to get down on the level with us regular folk. You’re gonna need to wear a kilt and the blood of my enemies if you want my vote this year, Brad.
Her: I’ve never had a piercing.
Me: Guess we’re not counting your voice?
Grim Reaper: I’m here for the sole!
Waiter: *whimpering* omg can I… can I say bye to my family?
Grim Reaper: uh, no, the fish special.
A spooky dog skeleton would be so confused. He’d be like should I haunt people or should I gnaw on my enticingly exposed bones
Lightly used fish tank for sale on eBay.
Does not contain three goldfish ghosts.
Voted most likely to power walk into a volcano
People commenting on celebrities posting makeup-free selfies: “Empowering queen!”
Me, posting a makeup-free selfie: “Rough night? Need a hug?”
cowgirl so I can see the light fade from his eyes when I ask if he’d still love me if I was a worm.
[texting]
Wife: Clean out your bowels.
Me: OK.
Wife: *bowls. The ones in the sink
Me: *chugging laxatives* Damn it.
Satan’s first act in the bible was to suggest that people eat more fruit.
No wonder we all hate him.
I bought a smart light switch but was regularly getting outwitted, so swapped it for a dimmer switch.
Typing
your tweets
like this doesn’t
make them
poems.
COP: Can you describe the man who shot you?
ME: He seemed mad
When we were kids our “get home” text was a streetlight.